A traditional Christmas means getting drunk and demanding a bonus

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

If you didn’t know, Santa was put in a red suit and made fat and jolly by Coca Cola in the 1930s, Christmas trees were invented by Germans in the 1800s, and the first Christmas Day was celebrated only 2018 years ago.

Singing Christmas carols, giving presents, and overindulging in everything fun are traditions that go back much further, but we’re doing them wrong.

Like everything good, such as wearing onesies to work, wine with every meal, sewage systems, the calendar, and Asterix and Obelix, many of our current Christmas traditions started with the Romans.

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How to Survive Talking Politics at Christmas

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

Traditionally, the three things you’re never supposed to discuss at dinner are religion, money, and politics. Sex is sometimes mistakenly put in the mix, but if you need a list to tell you discussing sex in front of Grandma and your primary school-aged cousins isn’t appropriate, you need to be on a list of sex offenders.

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Some strange traditions are really just turkeys

Trump-Turkey-Pardon

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

The fourth Thursday in November, known in America as Thanksgiving, is quite a big deal in the USA and not just because it celebrates three of their favorite pastimes – over-eating, a parade with a corporate sponsor, and a sport nobody else plays.

The following Friday is then ‘Black Friday’, the equivalent of Australia’s Boxing Day sales, and involves flat-screen televisions raining from the sky, people getting trampled for a slight discount on an electric kettle, and others getting shot because America.

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Erect barriers to ‘dick pics’ with better junk folders and stiffer penalties

Carrot Dick

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

SO, some clown posted a “dick pic” on a Labor campaign organiser’s Twitter account.

I have some sympathy for Mark Woodley, who works in Deputy Premier Jackie Trad’s electorate and says his account was hacked.

It wasn’t that long ago I received a very explicit pic of a male member.

At first, I thought it was mine. And that a ransom would follow that if I didn’t pay, it would be distributed to the world. (Now that I’m married the maximum ransom I’d pay is zero dollars. Though, come to think of it, back when I was single, it was also zero.)

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Naming a Baby is Hard

Baby Name Meme

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

Have you ever tried naming a baby? Maybe you think it’d be easy. In reality, it’s really hard. Last year my wife and I had to name one, and although we had nine months, we nearly missed the deadline.

You don’t realize how many people you dislike until you try it, and you can’t pick one of those because anytime you look at the kid, you don’t want to be thinking of someone you despise.

Names of past partners are also out, because the last thing you want to see in your child’s face is what might have been with someone else. Friends and family are out too, since you don’t want them thinking you named the baby in their honor. Regardless of what you might say, that person will always suspect you did, and will never let you forget it.

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Stuff the Detox. What about a Retox?

DETOX_UNCOMPRESSED

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

You know detoxes and cleanses don’t work, right? Your body does all the cleansing and detoxifying you’ll ever need. Nobody talks about it though, because you can’t sell nothing.

If enough people are willing to pay money for a thing, someone will invent a reason you should buy it and call if science. Beer, heroin, soft drinks and cigarettes have all at different stages been touted as having scientifically proven health benefits.

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