Posted on January 7, 2018 by Xavier Toby

The truth about Times Square on NYE

This article first appeared in the Daily Telegraph

As well as the Herald Sun

Whatever you did on NYE, just be glad you weren’t in Times Square, and if it’s on your bucket list, you need a better list.

If you thought those in Times Square looked cold on any coverage you may have seen, that’s because it was -12C which felt like -20C due to the wind chill. If they looked hungry, thirsty and sober, that’s because there’s no food and drink for sale, and no alcohol is allowed.

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Posted on January 3, 2018 by Xavier Toby

NYE resolutions don’t work so try this instead

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

NYE resolutions are a stellar idea, in theory. The problem is, meaningful change is among the most difficult feats any human can perform, harder than merging onto the Monash between 4pm and 6pm, and remaining comfortable in leather pants if it’s over 30 degrees.

Every NYE I hear countless resolutions and make plenty myself, and the amount kept by all of us is still zero. Perhaps we’re all weak-willed losers, but I think it’s the tradition itself that’s weak. The date changes by a single digit, and we all expect to be bestowed with magical powers of dedication forever, when all it really does is grant abilities to stay up late, drink too much, and make poor decisions, and only for a few hours.

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Posted on December 29, 2017 by Xavier Toby

A traditional Christmas means getting drunk and demanding a bonus

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

If you didn’t know, Santa was put in a red suit and made fat and jolly by Coca Cola in the 1930s, Christmas trees were invented by Germans in the 1800s, and the first Christmas Day was celebrated only 2018 years ago.

Singing Christmas carols, giving presents, and overindulging in everything fun are traditions that go back much further, but we’re doing them wrong.

Like everything good, such as wearing onesies to work, wine with every meal, sewage systems, the calendar, and Asterix and Obelix, many of our current Christmas traditions started with the Romans.

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Posted on December 2, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Some strange traditions are really just turkeys

Trump-Turkey-Pardon

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

The fourth Thursday in November, known in America as Thanksgiving, is quite a big deal in the USA and not just because it celebrates three of their favorite pastimes – over-eating, a parade with a corporate sponsor, and a sport nobody else plays.

The following Friday is then ‘Black Friday’, the equivalent of Australia’s Boxing Day sales, and involves flat-screen televisions raining from the sky, people getting trampled for a slight discount on an electric kettle, and others getting shot because America.

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Posted on November 27, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Erect barriers to ‘dick pics’ with better junk folders and stiffer penalties

Carrot Dick

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

SO, some clown posted a “dick pic” on a Labor campaign organiser’s Twitter account.

I have some sympathy for Mark Woodley, who works in Deputy Premier Jackie Trad’s electorate and says his account was hacked.

It wasn’t that long ago I received a very explicit pic of a male member.

At first, I thought it was mine. And that a ransom would follow that if I didn’t pay, it would be distributed to the world. (Now that I’m married the maximum ransom I’d pay is zero dollars. Though, come to think of it, back when I was single, it was also zero.)

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