Posted on May 7, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Surfing the internet is nothing like actual surfing


This article first appeared in the Herald Sun on Tuesday, April 18

Is there anything less like actual surfing, than surfing the internet?

Messing around on the internet is nothing like paddling hard, then the euphoria of carving along a completely natural wall of water.

If you don’t believe me, compare any competitor at the recent Rip Curl Pro, which happened at the real Bells Beach not the ‘Point Break’ one, to anyone who surfs the internet for a living. It’s like comparing granite to sludge, or a current AFL player, to a retired AFL player.

But if we continue to call scrolling through online nonsense for countless wasted hours ‘surfing’, then what can’t be called surfing?

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Posted on April 30, 2017 by Xavier Toby

United Airlines and David Dao – How to get kicked off a flight and make a million dollars


This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

LAST week, my flight was delayed because of air traffic, which I’ve never understood. One of the reasons I fly is to avoid traffic and there seems to be more space in the sky than on the ground.

Rushing to the departure gate for my connection, I arrived 10 minutes before departure and saw the plane was still connected to the airbridge.

Blocking my path were two flight attendants, a female buried under several inches of make-up, and a collection of gel and teeth which I think was male. They smugly informed me the flight was closed.

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Posted on April 21, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Collingwood can’t even get it calf right with Daniel Wells

Daniel Wells starring for Collingwood in the VFL - each kick worth about $50k.

Daniel Wells starring for Collingwood in the VFL – with each kick worth at least $50k.

This article first appeared on The Roar

Hey Collingwood supporters, most other football supporters, and anyone who reads from the rear of the newspaper.

You have to back off me and the rest of Daniel, Danny, Dan the big money making man. Or as I know him, Norm, because if you remember the old TV ads, ‘Life Be in It’.

Norm, he does train hard. Enough. You tell me another high school educated 32 year-old on $600,000 a year, for three years, who wears a tracksuit to work and didn’t invent some social media app that I’ll never understand or use, because I’m his calf muscle. The injured one.

You may wonder why I’m speaking out, but, you know, why not? It’s not like I’ve got much on, apart from training every Tuesday at 1pm for half an hour.

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Posted on April 2, 2017 by Xavier Toby

There’s nothing social about social media


This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, call it what you like but it ain’t social

Almost everything online seems to be named badly. What’s more anti-social than social media? You do it alone, or if you’re surrounded by others, you ignore them. And it broadcasts to the online world what a great time you’re having with the very people you’re ignoring.

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Posted on February 3, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Uniform attire suits you, Sir

Suit Game

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

EVERY man looks good in a good suit.

A great suit then gives a man an air of importance he doesn’t necessarily deserve, and that needs to change.

An ill-fitting suit makes a man look like he’s a door-to-door salesman, a charming ragamuffin who lives out of a tattered suitcase and can hold a tune, or a guilty defendant.

However, any man in a sharp suit is in charge, knows exactly what he’s talking about and, if he’s a defendant, he’s either innocent or so rich he’s above the law.

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