2017 is the year that was meant to be but never was

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

At the end of 2016, remember how everyone was like, ‘Bring on 2017, because that year sucked!’ As 2017 winds down, nobody is really saying that. All I’ve heard is, ‘I wonder if things will ever be as good as they were way back in 2015?’

2017 was the year of ‘continued’. Celebrities continued to drop like celebrities, politicians continued to lead by following and disappointing, climate change continued to be ignored, houses continued to be unaffordable, and worldwide conflicts continued pretty much as they were.

New developments for 2017 include cars and trucks becoming the weapons of choice for terrorists, all news is now fake news unless it agrees with your personal politics, and the best performing stock of the year was a piece of computer code that few understand and even less accept as payment.

There were at least five standout positive developments. Tony Abbott’s sister was made very happy at the expense of Tony Abbott, England were made to give us back a little wooden urn, Richmond and Cronulla supporters didn’t have to spend the season thinking about next season, any plans for a Burkes Backyard revival were scuttled, and the weather hasn’t been too crazy.

What can we expect for 2018? Well humans are historically bad at predicting things, which explains why those that provide stock market and horse racing tips aren’t millionaires, and nobody seems to mind, which explains why they’ve all still got jobs.

According to me, on demand radio and viewing services will increase in popularity, as more people realize how annoying adverts and waiting for anything is, especially when you can have it now. There will also be more acceptance of the Amazon Echo and Google Home, especially after Apple releases pretty much the same thing but in white at twice the price, so we all buy it.

If the weather takes a turn, the stock market takes a tumble, and housing prices continue to march skyward, I predict that the birthrate will keep dropping, but pet ownership will skyrocket. They’re cheaper than children, don’t live as long so aren’t the same commitment, aren’t as hard to separate in a divorce, and provide unconditional love and the ultimate escape from a world that continually makes less sense.

I’m also really worried about men. Porn is already messing with their minds and expectations, and if virtual reality and robot women continue to develop, adolescent males will have no reason to talk to anyone or come out of their bedrooms. Other side effects of this are a Vitamin D deficiency, and inability to look anyone in the eye.

Things I’m not worried about for 2018 include North Korea, since any attack they launched would mean the end for them, and why bother with Australia? Odds are you’d just miss the people and hit desert, water, or New Zealand. I’m also unconcerned with petrol prices, because who is anymore, and movies since I’m finally over the ever-expanding array of superheroes who never die.

What I’m excited about for 2018 is hope. That it’s all cyclical, the left and right of politics will start talking again, the amount of available houses will finally catch up with demand, sexual harassment and racism will continue to be whittled away, and things will finally be better than they were way back in 2015.

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.

His second comedy memoir ‘Going Out of My Mined’ is available now.

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