Erect barriers to ‘dick pics’ with better junk folders and stiffer penalties

Carrot Dick

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

SO, some clown posted a “dick pic” on a Labor campaign organiser’s Twitter account.

I have some sympathy for Mark Woodley, who works in Deputy Premier Jackie Trad’s electorate and says his account was hacked.

It wasn’t that long ago I received a very explicit pic of a male member.

At first, I thought it was mine. And that a ransom would follow that if I didn’t pay, it would be distributed to the world. (Now that I’m married the maximum ransom I’d pay is zero dollars. Though, come to think of it, back when I was single, it was also zero.)

Then I realised it wasn’t mine, I won’t say why. So I texted back a photo of giraffe giving birth and received another picture, this time in close-up.

I returned fire with a photo of a topless Alec Baldwin and never heard from the gentleman again.

Afterwards, I felt alone, afraid, and violated. I didn’t ask for that penis, nor did I want it, or know what to do with it.

How horrible it would be to receive unwanted snaps of shafts and schlongs all the time, as many of my female friends do.

Which got me thinking. Who’s sending all these unrequested johnsons, and why haven’t they been stopped?

I do understand the urge. I’m not ashamed of my genitals and I do want my romantic partner to view them. But I’ve never once thought of beginning a romantic anything with a picture of them. It’s just not the most attractive part of the male anatomy. If it was, magazines wouldn’t feature hunks in trunks or tailored suits, but penises in top hats and bow ties. And products that feature a male member wouldn’t also include the words “novelty” or “toy”.

Explicit pics may well have their place – in a coupling where both participants are over the age of consent, are aware of the risks of redistribution, and where a conversation has been had to make sure the sender wants to send, and the recipient wishes to receive.

Like anything to do with sexual relationships, it’s complicated, and deciding on what each person is comfortable with can be really hard. Pun intended.

There are legions of men on dating sites, however, who send a pecker pic to every girl they can. Instead of investing time in brain-to-brain communication, they go straight for genital-to-genital contact, hoping that for every thousand refusals, they might get one yes.

This virtual flood of unwanted phalluses needs to stop, and maybe what’s needed is a filter, that righteously dumps them in the “junk” folder. Such a tool would of course be called a cock blocker. Better yet, all social media and dating websites and apps should start using “wang recognition software”, that links offenders to their wieners, in order to ban them.

Exposing yourself publicly is a crime, as is digitally whipping it out without consent, and it would also help if both acts carried the same penalties.

Unlike the current situation where convictions for the virtual version seldom happen.

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.

His second comedy memoir ‘Going Out of My Mined’ is available now.

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