Trump won! Yes yes YES!
This is fantastic news, the best news, the greatest news ever. For me.
Let me explain.
I am a middle-class straight white male.
As a white Australian, a Trump presidency won’t affect me. Honestly though, politics in general rarely impacts me.
If I did give a stuff about anyone who wasn’t me, however, this whole Trump thing would be deeply upsetting. But I don’t, so I’m fine, thanks for not asking.
In Australia, we’re currently governed by a crew you could call ‘Trump lite’.
For anyone who isn’t white and university educated, and is old, sick, an immigrant or a woman, things have been getting steadily worse for a white, sorry I mean a while now.
If Trump’s polices arrived, you’d be adding sorrows like unwanted pregnancies, getting deported, and being refused medical care onto your pile of problems.
Which I’m guessing wouldn’t be too difficult, and all I can do is guess, because as a middle-class straight white male, those are all problems I’ll never have.
Since I’m not completely evil, just white, that doesn’t explain why I’m so giddy and tickled by Trump winning the presidency.
The reason for that is Donald Trump is attempting to make America the 1950s again, and this was one of the single finest times in human history to be a white man. Along with all of the last four hundred or so years.
The 1950s were a magical time when all the good jobs went to white people, the environment was solely for furniture and firewood, and being racist was as socially acceptable as drink driving and hitting your wife.
In the modern world, it’s only the rich city whites who care about climate change, religious freedom, and racial and sexual equality, and that’s because they haven’t got any real problems.
The big problem being that for everyone to have the same, the whites are going to have to be okay with a little bit less, and that’s not an option.
Really, everyone who’s not white needs to go and get their own country. Or find someone else’s, take it by force and kill them all, like the whites have always done.
Donald Trump won by promising to bring back the blue-collar jobs, that were stolen by the Chinese and Mexicans with all their cheap labor and poverty and whatever.
Then he promised to kick out the immigrants and good riddance, because when they’re not back in Mexico or China doing a job the 1950s whites did, they’re over in America doing them.
The Donald also guaranteed to fix the American economy. Which has been growing at around one percent, and make it grow at five percent. As a result, the jobs, they’ll be everywhere.
Now if all of this was to also happen in Australia, just consider how wonderful it would be. For straight white men like me.
The Donald isn’t big on details, but who needs them when you’ve got short and powerful sentences. That resonate with a disenfranchised block of voters in swing states. Who can’t be bothered fact checking.
Not a single economist in the world thinks that eliminating free trade or any of his policies will benefit America.
But hey, he has zero experience as a politician and has been on TV plenty, so he definitely deserves a chance.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.
His second comedy memoir ‘Going Out of My Mined’ is available now.