Hey Apple, thx for the iPhone 7. Now what about an iFairtrade?


Who’s first in line here? The sleeping bag human, or the rubbish bin? Both are green… with envy.

This article first appeared in the Sunday Herald Sun

ARE you so excited about the new iPhone 7 that you’re going to line up for it?

You really shouldn’t.

You wait in line for things that are in short supply, not things that are mass-produced.

Spending hours in a queue just so you can have something hours before someone else is just plain stupid. Your time would be far better spent at the mirror store, so you can buy one and have a good hard look at yourself.

The new iPhone 7 comes in a few different models, it’s sort of waterproof and is slightly too big for nearly every pocket, but what about a fair trade version? You know — an iFairtrade?

At last count Apple had around $200 billion in cash. That’s not savings or what the company is worth, that’s ready cash. It’s enough to fill all the piggy banks in the world, as well as all the actual pigs. Imagine then how much it’d be in mixed lollies? Enough jelly snakes to end world hunger, but create world diabetes.

Meaning that Apple can easily afford to at least look into producing the iFairtrade, and there’s no doubt it’d be a hit.

Every hipster, hippy and hip-anything is as hooked on their Apple products as they are on knitted cardigans, wispy facial hair and kale, which is just lettuce pretending to be hip.

I call them the “ya ya” crowd because whenever they’re over at my (share) house they’re all, like, “None for me. Not unless it’s organic fair-trade GMO free. Ya ya”.

“And your toilet paper? Is it fair-trade? No. Lucky I brought my own. Ya ya.

“Oh, and I brought my own almond milk. Squeezed from non-GMO, organic almonds that weren’t removed from almond trees, but fell to the ground. Naturally. Ya ya.

“It’s $73 a litre, but totally worth it. Try a bit. You can really taste the lack of persecution.” As well as the “ya ya” crowd and other iAddicts, I’m sure plenty of us would be prepared to pay a little more for the iFairtrade, along with iAccessories galore.

It’d make Apple another hundred billion easy, and I imagine the sales spiel would go something like this: “Here it is, the world’s first completely guilt-free iPhone. Made completely of hemp, cow dung and positive vibes and only costs $3000. Comes in brown, tan, or mother Earth. Also it’s battery life is seven seconds — six seconds longer that the current model iPhone. “And we also have the guilt-free iPad. Uses absolutely no power. 100 per cent recyclable, fair-trade, guilt-free, completely sustainable. Otherwise known as an etch-e-sketch.

“Look, it’s got a column for your appointments, and your contacts. And a separate area for drawings of a dog, house with chimney and smoke, and a smiling sun in the corner. Only $5000 and it’s just out, so nobody else has one.”

Every hipster, hippy and ya-ya will be lining up to get one.

This article first appeared in the Sunday Herald Sun

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.

His second comedy memoir ‘Going Out of My Mined’ is available now.

Real book:


Or eBook: