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Do you think that evolution is going backwards?
If you’re reading this, I’m clearly not talking about you – since you can read.
Something longer than a street sign, an ironic tattoo and the winning lotto numbers, and that’s the key.
As a society, it’s a fact that we’re getting dumber.
In three words: Adam Sandler movies.
In two words: Selfie sticks.
In one word: Kardashian.
For example, did you know that over the last three years the average number of teeth of each football supporter has dropped from 3 to 1.5?
That’s a surprise, because I thought they all just had one and called it ‘the chomper’.
So the main reason that evolution is going backwards is that nobody reads anymore.
As a result, the average test scores at schools are all dropping, and this fact isn’t from Wikipedia. It’s from actual research that I’ve done, using actual books.
These days a lot of people don’t know what a book is, especially if they’re under thirty. If you need to explain it, tell them a book is just like a small piece of the internet but on paper.
Unlike the internet, however, a book is not 95% porn. Also, what’s written in a book is usually true. Unless the book you’re reading is Hustler or Marie Claire, but then again, they aren’t books. They’re glossy pages held together with staples and lies designed to make you feel inadequate. Otherwise known as magazines.
Anyway, the studies and intellectuals all agree that a big part of the problem of people getting dumber is that very few of us reads books anymore.
When you read a book, you pause to think about it and contemplate it’s deeper meaning. By not reading enough, we’re losing that ability to think deeply and contemplate anything.
If we still had this ability, we might stop before we do pointless things and ask ourselves:
1) ‘Do I really need to buy a Prada branded storage container for my coffee pods?’
2) ‘As a male, why am I wearing leggings out to lunch?’
3) ‘Why am I googling Miley Cyrus? Do I really need to see her breasts?’
In case you’re wondering, the correct answers are:
1) No – only idiots use coffee pods. They’re wasteful and taste awful.
2) Because you’re desperate for attention. Put on some jeans, or don’t go out at all.
Lots of people claim that these days, they do all their reading on screens: laptop screens, tablets and television screens. They may as well be reading a fly-screen.
Reading a webpage is nothing like reading a book, because nobody reads a webpage. You scan it, because that’s how we’ve taught ourselves to read them, as they’re mostly full of garbage.
Bright flashing garbage, scrolling garbage, moving picture garbage.
Also, when you’re online there’s too much else going on to concentrate properly. Checking your email, updating your Facebook status:
‘Best dumplings EVER! Now look at my kid. In sunglasses, with his baby chino. Cutest baby EVER! Who’s been outside today? It’s raining. Lol.’
Or tweeting what just happened:
‘That muffin was totes disgusting. OMG FML.
No matter how many likes, retweets and mentions you get all we’re really saying is look at me, look at me. And the only reason anyone likes anything you do, is so that you’ll like them back.
Nobody’s really paying attention to anything you do online unless you’re naked, famous, or covered in vomit. While holding a cat. Just ask Miley Cyrus, or Billy Ray otherwise known as the proudest Dad in the world – not.
Our attention spans are shrinking so fast that we’re turning into a society of goldfish.
Some of you probably don’t even remember what this article is about, why you’re sitting down, and why you’re still wearing leggings.
So put down the internet and pick up a book, even if it’s an eBook.
Then the next time you’re faced with one of life’s big decisions, such as:
‘Should I binge-watch all of the Real Housewives?’
You’ll know what to do.
By the way, in a completely unrelated matter, see me perform at Perth Fringe World. The Dinner Party with Xavier Toby. Details here:
Or buy my book! Real book:
Or eBook (remember I did say they were okay):