Time the iAddicts-and-kale brigade spared a thought for iFairtrade

(This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail)

ARE you so excited about the new iPhone 6s that you’re going to line up for it? Well, you shouldn’t.

It’s only worth waiting for something that’s in short supply – not a thing that’s mass produced. Spending hours in a queue just so you can have it hours before someone else is never good enough.

Your time would have been far better spent buying a mirror, so you can have a good hard look at yourself.

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So the new iPhone 6s, or iBend – or, as it’s known in Australia, the iBoomerang – comes in different models. But where’s our iFairtrade?

At last count, Apple had about $200 billion in cash. That’s not savings or what the company is worth. That’s ready cash.

It’s enough to fill all the piggy banks in the world, as well as all the actual pigs, which would be super weird, but they could do it.

Imagine then how much it’d be in mixed lollies? Enough jelly snakes to end world hunger but create world diabetes.

And how many $2 peep shows would it buy? At least a Brazillion.

That $200 billion cash would come in handy for, say, the US Government in case it needs to bail out more banks because they again lost big at the world’s biggest casino, otherwise known as the stock market.

So Apple easily has the money to look into iFairtrade.

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Every hipster, hippie and hip-anything is as hooked on their Apple products as they are on questionable fashions, facial hair and kale – which is just lettuce pretending to be hip. I call them the “ya ya” crowd.

When they’re over at my (share) house, they’re all like: “None for me. Not unless it’s organic, fairtrade, GMO-free. Ya ya.”

“And your toilet paper? Is it fairtrade? No. Lucky I brought my own. Ya ya.”

“Oh and I brought my own almond milk. Squeezed from non-GMO, organic almonds that weren’t removed from almond trees but fell to the ground. Naturally. Ya ya. It’s $73 a litre, but totally worth it. Try a bit. You can really taste the lack of persecution. Ya ya.”

As well as the “ya ya” crowd and other iAddicts, many of us are prepared to pay a little more for an iAnything, as well as iAccessories galore.

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So where’s our completely sustainable iPhone already?

I imagine the sales spiel for the iFairtrade would go something like this:

“Here it is, the world’s first completely guilt-free iPhone. Made completely of hemp, cow dung and positive vibes, and it only costs $3000. Comes in brown, tan, or mother earth. Also, it’s battery life is seven seconds – six seconds longer than the current model iPhone.

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“Or what about the guilt-free iPad? Uses no power – 100 per cent recyclable, fairtrade, guilt-free, completely sustainable. Otherwise known as an Etch A Sketch.

“Look, it’s got a column for your appointments and your contacts. And an area for drawings of a dog, a house with a chimney and smoke, and a smiling sun in the corner. Only $5000, and it’s just out, so nobody else has one.”

“I’ll take four of each,” says the ya ya.

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This article first appeared in The Brisbane Courier Mail: