Was Jesus the First Supermodel?

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The first supermodel in the history of ever.

There is compelling evidence that it was, in fact, Jesus. I’m completely flummoxed as to why nobody’s come up with this theory before. Or maybe they have, but I’ve never read about it, so let’s just pretend they haven’t and that I’m a genius.

Models often slim down before a photo shoot.

Jesus went and fasted for forty days and forty nights before his first big assignment. His crucifixion then went so well, that this image is still one of the most well known and frequently replicated in all of human history.

Maybe Jesus was even told, “This image is going to last centuries, so you’re going to have to look your best, and you’ve gotten a bit tubby. So off to the desert, and no food for forty days and forty nights.”

The “nights” clause was added in, perhaps because Jesus was a renowned sneaky eater.

Based on the rampaging success of this strategy around two thousand years ago, models have been employing variations on this theme ever since.

The crucifixion was the world’s first advertising campaign.

Back in the time of the J-man, Christianity wasn’t even a thing. So as part of what’s still the most successful product launch in all of time, Jesus went with a stunt that captured the attention of the globe.

So not only did Jesus invent modelling, but at the same time he also created advertising and Christianity.

Talk about product placement!

Jesus on the cross is probably the most recognised and reproduced image on the planet to this day. Quite an effort, as nobody back then had a camera, and each piece of paraphernalia had to be individually painted and crafted, as production lines and sweatshops weren’t a thing until centuries later either.

Oh and you know that white nappy thing he was wearing? That was supplied by one Mrs Mary Magdalene Klein. Making Jesus not only the first supermodel, but the first Calvin Klein underwear model as well.

Which all led to the largest ongoing advertising campaign in all of forever.

To this day, these places called ‘churches’ push the Jesus message out there on a weekly, and sometimes even daily basis. There are also rampantly successful holidays celebrated in nearly every country on an annual basis that refresh and remind us all about Christianity.

You thought Daffodil Day, Remembrance Day, Halloween and International Talk Like a Pirate Day were popular? They’re still nothing compared to Christmas and Easter.

The best advertising is free.

Similar to the big clothing brands, which cover wearers in logos, charge huge prices for it and call it “fashion”, the image of the cross is worn around the neck of devotees everywhere, all at no cost for that prime advertising space. The wearers almost always actually pay for the privilege.

Making it not only the most ubiquitous branding exercise of all time, but also among the most cost effective.

Don’t forget the message.

During his time on the promotion circuit Jesus pushed a message of compassion, love for everyone including annoying neighbours, and turning the other cheek.

These days though, although Easter and Christmas are both still outrageously popular, one has become about presents, and the other about chocolate presents.

Easter was derailed a little bit by the chocolate thingo. Perhaps, after forty days in the desert, Jesus was looking tops, but was starving so a little delirious. What he thought was a chocolate egg delivered by a bunny, was actually an egg-shaped substance that bunnies naturally produce from their rear ends, but he was so hungry and out of it that he couldn’t tell the difference.

So maybe, the chocolate really represents poo.

Just a thought.

Either way it has very little to do with that original message from Jesus. Which was about being nice to everyone and forgiving them all, even those who dress you in a nappy and nail you to a cross.


Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

This article first appeared on The Curio



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