So, what is the number one job to have if you want to be seen as top marriage material?
Maybe the role of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?
A sexy, but otherwise lost and bewildered young lady who’s definitely up for it?
What about millionaire? Or billionaire?
No, not that one, because you’re only meeting people who are already taken and unless you have no morals, that means they’re out of bounds.
Divorce Planner? Is that even a thing?
I could do that. I would be so good at that.
Here are my six steps to a successful divorce:
- Start taking money out of the joint bank account and stashing it in a safe place. The middle child is an ideal hiding place as nobody ever thinks to check the middle child.
- Put all the furniture that you want as close to the front door as possible.
- File for divorce
- If the reaction to step three is extremely negative, quickly load the furniture you like into a van and light the house on fire.
- Scream for everyone to get out the house, and realise you should’ve done this first. Whoops.
- Laugh hysterically until arrested.
- Sell the rights to the tele-movie and make a million dollars.
So it turns out that (not for the first time) I’m wrong.
Businessweek combed through and gathered together some US Census statistics on the subject. They tell you which professions are most likely to be married, divorced, and single.
If graphs are too hard, the UK Mirror has broken it down a little.
Now let me break it down a little further:
Apparently the most likely to be married are dentists, other different types of doctors and that sort of thing. That suggests professionals in stable high paying careers are often taken, and stick it out once they are.
Among the most likely to be divorced are factory workers, nurses and just about anyone else who isn’t a doctor. Maybe it’s the stress that comes with trying to survive on a lower-income, or for factory workers, the stress of having to look for new careers as their jobs move overseas.
Artists used to be in the top ten most divorced, but have dropped out. Which I think is very little to do with being more committed and just simply due to the fact that fewer are getting married in the first place. Who wants to marry someone with such limited prospects? I’m speaking from direct experience.
On a side note, artists and cooks are the most likely to go for a bit on the side, as they topped the poll of most likely to date or sleep with a coworker. Artists are students of life, so coworkers count as everybody…and chefs are just horny.
Okay so this survey didn’t consider age or anything or much really, so I’d like to throw this out there. There’s an age bias with this survey.
People who are a bit older and married are more likely to stay together than those that are younger and married.
So it follows that jobs available to younger people have a higher divorce rate, because they involve younger, more transient people.
Once people move into more mature careers, that’s mirrored by a more mature look at relationships. For instance, doctors – you can’t even become one of those until you’re nearly thirty. However, every idiot with a beret and a blog can call themselves an artist.
Far out, I don’t know. Just an idea.
The very best way to find out if someone may make a great partner is to ask. If they’re single, and they seem like your thing, then go from there.
Another good way to tell if someone would be a good partner is to get to know them. If you’re judging the assumed success of any union based on what they do for a living, even slightly, well you may as well pick your spouse based on their star sign, what’s in your tea leaves, and the quality of your morning bowel movement.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian
For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: [email protected]