Want to read the most pointless and stupid advice ever offered about air travel?
Maybe it’s not the MOST pointless or stupid…but please don’t point me to anything more idiotic, as I might actually dig the eyes out of my own skull with my own fingers out of pure frustration and anger, instead of just seriously thinking about it.
As I am right now?
So someone surveyed 1,000 travellers and found that they find a whole lot of stuff annoying when travelling by plane.
This survey goes right at the top of my ever-growing pile of:
“Painfully obvious surveys the world never needed.”
Otherwise known as:
“People will read this because of the promise of something interesting and relevant to their own lives, which is never, ever delivered.”
So it turns out, the things air travellers find most annoying are all extremely obvious and bland. Of course.
The best/worst part of this survey though, are the absolutely moronic suggestions for how to deal with them. These ideas are brain-smashingly poor. I’ve seen squashed insects come up with more coherent suggestions.
The fact that upright walking and perhaps talking beings were paid to put this together, then others of my same species thought it was a good idea to distribute this junk, and still others in numbers way too numerous to survey might even be contemplating these suggestions…well, it all makes me want to leave for Mars. As on that planet, there’s no human life, and all humans expire the moment they arrive.
Still it’s easy to criticise, and it’s fun. That’s why I do it so often. However criticism without ideas for improvement is talkback radio, or the current Australian parliament. Basically, it’s only for the poorest examples of humanity.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’ll list the complaint, the percentage of people who complained, Expedia’s weird suggestion for dealing with it, why that’s stupid and then my suggestions. Not very entertaining to explain, but it’ll be ace to read I promise.
Here we go…
Annoying air passenger 1: Rear-Seat Kicker – 67 percent
Their suggestion: Offer the child (or adult) candy or even a breath mint to stop.
The problem: The adult or parent will suspect that you’re a pedophile.
My suggestion: Ask the person or a parent to politely stop kicking your seat, or just sit there and angrily do nothing because you’re terrified of confrontation, like most of us.
Annoying air passenger 2: Screaming, whiny kids – 64 percent
Their suggestion: Offer to buy the kids an in-flight movie.
The problem: Again, suspected pedophile. I’m actually beginning to have my own suspicions about whoever put this article together.
My suggestion: Once more, just ask nicely. Or slip the kid a sleeping tablet. Or speak to a flight attendant. Dealing with this shit is their job.
Annoying air passenger 3: Smelly people – 56 percent
Their suggestion: Ask to move, or swipe a chapstick under your nostrils.
The problem: What sort of weird chap always carries a chapstick?
My suggestion: Take a dump on them. One way to cover up their smell is to go with a worse smell. Or smoke. Or just get really drunk, and then tell them yourself.
Annoying air passenger 4: Loud music – 51 percent
Their suggestion: Noise cancelling headphones.
The problem: Who’s got noise cancelling headphones?
My suggestion: Ask the person to turn down their music. Or just stop being such an uptight a-hole your damn self.
Annoying air passenger 5: Boozer – 50 percent
Their suggestion: Ask the flight attendant to stop serving the person.
The problem: Drinking is fun.
My suggestion: Join them, ask to change seats, slip them a sleeping tablet, put your headphones in, I don’t know. Maybe ask them, “Why do you think she left you? Isn’t it obvious?”
Annoying air passenger 6: Chatty person – 43 percent
Their suggestion: Pretend to fall asleep.
The problem: For the entire flight, you have to pretend to be asleep.
My suggestion: Boozing, loud music, or soiling yourself. Or just politely put up with their chat and hope you don’t crash, because no life should end with poor conversation.
Annoying air passenger 7: Carry-on baggage offenders – 39 percent
Their suggestion: Try to break stuff in their bag and tell the flight attendant.
The problem: Nobody cares, except the person whose stuff is now broken.
My suggestion: Take their bag out and put it on the floor. Then jump up and down on it and yell, “It’s not a bag it’s a trampoline!” Then take a dump on it. Yes, most of my suggestions literally are shit. Just like Expedia’s.
Annoying air passenger 8: Armrest hog – 38 percent
Their suggestion: Offer them a drink if you can have the armrest for the next hour.
The problem: Isn’t it obvious?
My suggestion: It’s only an armrest. So either put up with it, or break their arm. No arm? No need for an armrest.
Annoying air passenger 9: Seat-back guy – 37 percent
Their suggestion: Scream in pain.
The problem: The person’s seat is still back.
My suggestion: Scream in pain. It’s fun. Or just deal with it. What else can you do?
Annoying air passenger 10: Queue jumper – 35 percent
Their suggestion: Ignore it.
The problem: This one, I also agree with.
My suggestion: Speculate on what of a waste of a life the person must be living and how selfish they are to ignore the simple fact that you’re all in it together.
Three final things to mention on this idiotic, horrible survey.
1) The compilers don’t comprehend how percentages work. Or was it just one of those “tick what you don’t like” ones, which prove nothing?
2) It was an American survey. Meaning Americans either like to complain a lot, or flying anywhere in America is hell, or it was pointless survey.
3) Regardless of your complaints, you’re on a plane. Flying through the air at a great speed and a low cost to a destination it’d otherwise take you days or weeks to reach. So just settle down.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian
For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: [email protected]