Think before you click this Xmas. Max out your credit cards. Declare bankruptcy. Job done!

Spend big this Xmas, seeing as the Australian economy’s a mess… Then if you’re online shopping, try and use your common sense. Or don’t. It’s probably more fun if you don’t.

“Online shoppers beware!”

“Think before you click!” screams!

According to this piece of clickbait, because let’s face it, that’s what it is, we should be wary when online shopping this Xmas.

Beware of the delivery dates, as the thing you ordered before Xmas might arrive after Xmas. Not a bad tip.

If you’re buying stuff from overseas, it might be difficult or impossible to return. My girlfriend recently bought a pair of boots online that didn’t fit.

I said, “Why did you do that? Didn’t you suspect they wouldn’t fit?”

She said, “They were on sale.”

I said, “It doesn’t matter how cheap something is. If it doesn’t fit, it’s worthless.”

She said, “You’ve got two options. Either shut up, or you’re buying me new boots.”

I said nothing.

She said, “If check shirts become solely available online, what would you do?”

Again, I said nothing.

She said, “Good job.”

The other advice when online shopping is to check out the exchange rate, weigh up the different options, watch out for delivery costs and think before you click.

You know, common sense stuff. Or mistakes you make once, and then only repeat after enough time has passed, and you forget about the original mistake. Which for me, is weekly.

Apparently Australians will spend about $4.6 billion online shopping in the thirty days leading up to Xmas, which is about 15 percent of the total spend estimated to be $32.6 billion.

That’s an obscene amount of money. There are 23 million people in Australia. So if the total spend is $32.6 billion, that works out to us spending around $1400 each this Xmas.

Actually $1400 over thirty days – that’s not all that much. I mean, that’s around how much I spend in thirty days without Xmas, as well as in the lead-up to Xmas, since I get all my gifts from the Reject Shop.

Who wants a cheap apron? Barbecue utensils that melt when heated? Some chocolate that’s gone that weird light colour in patches?

I was going to suggest saving your money for a holiday or something, but Xmas is a holiday and money is for spending not saving.

Psychological studies have repeatedly proven that our money makes us happiest when we spend it on others. Our economy is on the way down, so it’s probably for the best that you spend up big.

Is it news?

Not really.

So ignore those articles and anything similar.

Read ones like this instead.

At least they include some analysis and jokes.

Oh and buy as much as you can this Xmas.

Go nuts.

Then come January, declare bankruptcy, claim your credit card was stolen, or rob a bank. Heck, they’ve been robbing us for years…

This article first appeared in The Big Smoke:

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

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