As an Aussie in NYC and Xmas Orphan, I’ve composed my very own “Twelve Days of Christmas”.
You know, just because… Why not?
What’s a Xmas Orphan?
Extremely unlike an actual orphan, it’s someone who’s going to spend the holiday season well away from the majority of their friends and family.
Usually by choice. Usually in another country.
I suppose a Xmas orphan could be an actual orphan as well, but that lends a whole dire tone to what is supposed to be a jolly piece touched only with a little sadness.
So here we go.
The Twelve Days of Being a Xmas Orphan.
As told by a guy spending Xmas in New York, while his friends and family are in Australia.
On the first day of Xmas,
nobody sent to me:
On the second day of Xmas,
my parents sent to me:
Two invitations to family functions they knew I couldn’t attend,
Which I was okay with.
On the third day of Xmas,
my best friend from back home sent to me:
Three photos from a Xmas lunch with all my other friends,
And the weather was awesome.
On the fourth day of Xmas,
an ex-girlfriend sent to me:
4 texts telling me she’d moved on,
I thought four was too many, and zero would’ve been more believable.
On the fifth day of Xmas,
a different ex-girlfriend sent me:
Five photos from her wedding,
I have no idea why.
On the sixth day of Xmas,
my parents sent to me:
Six cards from different relatives,
Meaning I now had to send them cards back that wouldn’t arrive until after Xmas.
On the seventh day of Xmas,
I was invited to seven different orphans’ Xmas parties,
Well seven people said they were organising one.
On the eighth day of Xmas,
The seven different orphans decided they were going to other parties,
However I did get one invitation to spend the day with Australian ex-pats.
On the ninth day of Xmas,
It was nine degrees below zero and that was the top temperature for the week,
Whilst in Australia, the low was in the mid twenties,
So I wore boardies, a singlet and thongs all day, turned up the heating and pretended I was still at home.
On the tenth day of Xmas,
I spoke to ten people and none of them mentioned Xmas,
And I was extremely homesick,
Also, I posted ten presents back home,
Even though I knew none of them would make it on time, at least they would be postmarked before December 25th.
On the eleventh day of Xmas,
I bought some supplies for the orphans party I would be attending,
Then realised I had no idea what to bring,
So I just bought eleven bottles of alcohol. Nine beers and two bottles of wine.
On the twelfth day of Xmas,
Due to the twelve hour time difference it was already Xmas in Australia,
My parents called me from lunch and I had to deal with twelve competing emotions,
And there’s no getting around it. Despite the negatives, I missed the hell out of home,
Also I got twelve different group text messages wishing me a happy whatever,
All of them were from Australia.
Then on Xmas Day there were thirteen of us gathered in a tiny apartment,
The one chef refused to cook as it was his day off,
So the turkey was burnt,
There was no seafood as this wasn’t Australia,
All we had to eat were roasted vegetables, gravy, pudding and
We all had plenty to drink,
Talked about our best and worst Xmases,
What our families had done yesterday,
Stoically said that although we got nothing on the day, we were too old for presents anyway,
Then all agreed that you’re never too old for presents.
Had plenty more to drink,
Talked more about what we would’ve been doing back in Australia,
Promised to all do it again next year,
If we were still here. Or maybe even there.
And although I had twelve new Facebook friends,
They were twelve people I never saw again,
As I already had plenty of Australian friends,
And they never contacted me either…
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian
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