Pleasuring yourself in a police station, naked on a train, and putting hooch in your cooch

Subway Naked Guy

This seat needs a plaque to commemorate this moment, and so nobody ever sits here again.

Weird stuff in the news makes me smile. Add private parts and I do that secret happy grin where I know I’ve done something naughty, but am loving it.

Weird naughty news also causes me to look around to make sure nobody can see my screen, although the images aren’t unsafe for work, and I’m at home alone.

Well, I’m at someone’s home alone. I’m a full time writer and comedian. I don’t have a home. Just some friends who have all just about had enough of me.

Anyway, over the last few days three bizarre stories featuring people’s privates have leapt from the internet and been burnt into my brain.

Story number one features a university student who stole an ambulance, crashed it, and masturbated in a police station.

Full story here:

Story two is the tale of a naked man drinking whiskey on a New York city subway train.

Full story here:

Floria Alcohol Theft

Maybe she’s showing her kid how babies are made. Just missing a few steps…

Story three concerns a Florida woman who stole a bottle of brandy by putting it in her vajayjay, with her young son standing beside her.

Full story here:

So why am I writing about these three stories?

Whenever I read a news story like this, my first thought is how the hell did this happen? Like how did a person who manages to eat and breathe think any of this was a good idea? So I’m going to attempt an explanation.

We live in a world of over seven billion people. I used the word ‘over’ so that as long as the population keeps rising, I’ll never be wrong.

If there is some disaster that causes it to drop below seven billion, I doubt people will have the time, inclination or electricity to view these words.

With over seven billion humans on the planet, the odd one is likely to regularly do something very odd. It’d actually be weirder if nothing weird ever happened.

So with these three freaks, at the time I’m guessing that they didn’t think they were doing anything outrageous. If they did, they would’ve stopped. That’s the trick with being a true freak. You don’t think you’re weird. You’re normal, and it’s the rest of the world with all the problems.

With story one, eighteen year old Colorado State University student Stefan Sortland was at a Halloween concert where he took ecstasy and cocaine. An ambulance crew was treating an intoxicated student for seizures on the CSU campus when they came outside to find their ambulance was gone.

Stefan before it all went wrong

Here’s Stefan Sortland. Before it all went horribly wrong. Or horribly right, depending on who you ask.

It was found by police in the middle of a freeway with heavy damage. Stefan was a short distance away eating Wheat Thins, and was shot with a stun gun after he refused police commands.

Sortland was then taken to the Loveland Police Department where he stood on a bench, kicked the wall and masturbated. He also claimed that his “friends/roommates were dead, in heaven and had committed suicide.” Officers checked, and found them all to be fine.

Stefan's mugshot

Here’s Stefan after it all went wrong. He seems to have more freckles, and maybe that’s the real cause. It was an inside job, and they aren’t freckles, but a mole.

So what was Stefan thinking? My guess is that he was kicked out of the concert. Saw the unattended ambulance. Was hungry and knew he wasn’t okay to drive. So knew he needed a vehicle with a siren and bright flashing lights, to alert people about the possible danger.

He bought some Wheat Thins, and then crashed. Not surprising, he already knew he wasn’t okay to drive.


Wheat Thins. The choice of crazed masturbating criminals everywhere.

Police arrived. He then decided to act crazy, hoping that without a weapon, they wouldn’t shoot him. This was his biggest gamble, and luckily he was only shot with a stun gun.

Stefan arrived at the ‘Loveland’ police station. To his surprise, although he was in ‘Loveland’, he was not supplied with any ‘love’, so decided to make do by pleasuring himself.

The next day he then assaulted officers again. No doubt extremely upset at the standard of free meal he was provided, that none of his dead friends had come to pick him up, and at the continued lack of a sexual partner in ‘Loveland’.

Story two features a naked man on a subway sipping at whiskey and nodding off. Notice his size, and that he’s wearing running shoes and socks, with a striped bag next to him. This one has several possible explanations.

He did his washing and shrunk everything he owns apart from his socks to a size that was too small to wear, and decided that going naked was better than the fashion faux pas of wearing the same clothes two days in a row.

Or it could be that his definition of ‘going for a run’ is’ drinking whiskey naked on the subway’.

Also interesting is that nobody called the authorities, or said anything to the man. Suggesting that drinking whiskey while naked on the train is not illegal in New York City, or that if you’re freaky enough you can get away with anything.

It has been noted his resemblance to a naked jogger snapped in the park a few weeks ago. They must be related, as they have the same stomaches and shoes. Or maybe this is now a thing in New York? I really hope it’s not a thing. Non-naked people have to use those seats.

Naked man on Subway

Same stomach. Same shoes. Same guy?

Story number three details the exploits of a Florida woman who steals a bottle of E&J Brandy by deftly storing it in her downstairs parts. Notice the shape of the bottle. She’s clearly got some skill, or Florida is particularly moist at this time of year.

E & J vs Brandy 1.75

This is the bottle. It does not look comfortable.

Bringing her child along was genius. When the employees didn’t mention that the kid was underage, they clearly weren’t paying attention, so she was free to complete her snatch and grab, using her snatch.

However, why not just put the bottle in a pocket that wasn’t made of human? Well that’s a pocket that somebody might check. She’s cleverly decided that by putting a relatively cheap bottle somewhere so private, that even if she was seen, nobody would have the privates to stop her.

Also, it’s possible that her young son had enquired that very day about where babies come from. She might’ve decided that he was too young to know, so offered an alternate explanation, and was simply proving her point. Or perhaps, her son had heard that alcohol leads to children, and she was just trying to, actually I have no idea.

I miss the days... Alcohol and babies

It’s all pretty scary, to be honest.

Despite my poor attempts at being logical, these certainly aren’t the actions of people without problems. They need help, in particular they need help with dressing, shoplifting and the true meaning of Halloween.

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

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