Posted on November 14, 2014 by Xavier Toby

I don’t like big butts and I cannot lie

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The only thing not to scale in this photo is their egos.

So Kim Kardashian’s butt is everywhere.

Considering the size of the thing, that makes a lot of sense to me.

Like it could easily accommodate the rest of her, along with all the Kardashians, each of her previous partners, and their considerable wealth.

Kim Potato

The internet makes everything better.

Everyone is lauding how beautiful and amazing it is.

Big butts are definitely in.

A few are asking if nudity is appropriate given that she’s now a mother, and how real the thing is.

Like if she’s had a butt implant, or butt enhancement surgery, or I don’t know. A butt lift? A butt tuck? Injected some butt-tox?

Considering that her celebrity is built mostly from her ass down, these questions don’t bother me. It’s what she does and who she is, no ifs and just one big butt.

Her cheeks are what bring in the cheques. That ass is one big ass-et.

It’s the crack of cash, the hole worth a whole lot, the trunk that’s all spunk and no junk. The booty that brings in the looty.

Kim Kardashian eyes

I can almost see this butt on Sesame Street. Almost.

I’ve forgotten what I was talking about.

Oh that’s right.

So for a host of reasons, including but not limited to her celebrity, other stars with big behinds, and the increased prevalence and importance of different cultures in contemporary society, which can only be a good thing, the end result is that big butts have become the next big thing.

So why do I feel a bit weird about it?

Like does anyone else think she looks ridiculously out of proportion?

Am I the only one who thinks that an attractive human being is one whose head, legs and middle all look like they belong to the same person?

I feel like I missed a big man meeting, where it was collectively decided that instead of breast men, we’re now all arse men. Which I thought was something else entirely.

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I wish she was a centaur. However, I wish that everyone was a centaur.

Even with the big boob thing, I never found women with abnormally large breasts as attractive as I think I was supposed to.

As they bent over and big-eyed me from adverts, calendars and televisions, with cleavage not all that different and unfathomable to Kardashian’s mammoth crack, it just never did it for me.

Homer Kim Butt

Homer – my favourite boob. It’s a Kardashian butt beard! A phrase that needs to enter our lexicon.

There’s plenty of money to be made from it as well. Exercise classes designed to broaden the booty, clothing that artificially increases the rear, and the rise in surgery being performed to bulk up the backside.

It all just feels like a bit of a scam.

What’s wrong with just striving for fit and healthy?

All of us are turned on by so many different things, and attraction is often heavily linked to a mental connection.

When a phenomenon like this becomes so pronounced, in this case society switching from the boob to the butt, it reminds me how quickly ideas of what is generally accepted to be ‘attractive’ are fluid.

It’s not a fixed concept, and just because you don’t fit it at a particular moment, that’s fine. Well it’s certainly fine with me.

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

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She’s more dangerous than Ebola. Never forget.