Luxy: A new app for the #onepercent…of F-wits

Nothing says 'luxury' like spelling mistakes on your marketing materials.

Nothing says ‘luxury’ like spelling mistakes on your marketing materials.

“Luxy” is a new dating app that is calling itself “Tinder, minus the poor people”.

What it should be calling itself is “Tinder for complete fuckwits”.

Or, “Tinder, but even more shallow if you thought that was possible”.

Or, “Tinder, minus the last ounce of humanity”.

Or, “Literally trying to cash in on Tinder.”

Luxy works the same way as Tinder, with that whole swipe right for yes and left for no.

Here’s my top tip of the week – swiping is for flies, not humans.

So, Luxy is this new dating app that’s apparently only for millionaires, super models, celebs, CEOs, and other “one percenters”.

Basically, it’s for rich men to meet shallow girls.

Instead of a dating app, Luxy is more like a high-end brothel. Actually, it is a high-end brothel, while Tinder is just a street corner in a dodgy neighbourhood.

Luxy doesn’t come with any income verification, but does include a filter to weed out low-income prospects by neighbourhood.

So as well as the “one percent”, I imagine it’ll also include anyone who’s worked out how to pretend to be part of that “esteemed crew”. Nerds and losers rejoice, this app screams out for you to trick rich people or gold diggers into bed.

Instead of Snapchatting prospective dates pics of their penises, will guys just be Snapchatting, I don’t know, their penises wrapped in cash with gold chains hanging off the end?

Really, I’ve got no problem with this. Sub-humans that I don’t want anything to do with will use Luxy to meet other sub-humans for meaningless experiences.

Just like Tinder, but with more expensive meals, limos instead of taxis, and ending in similar disappointing sexual experiences on sheets with a slightly higher thread-count.

It’s all another attempt to fill this massive hole (yuk-yuk) called “being human” with immediate but ultimately vacuous noise.


I hate living in a world where there are humans who sit around and waste our oxygen on inventing things like this.

Anyway, I’m too busy for Tinder and all the clones trying to cash in on its success.

I’m just the loser writing about it who prefers to meet prospective partners the old-fashioned way – going to bars and building up the confidence to talk to by imbibing so much alcohol that by the time I’m ready to make an approach, nobody can understand what I’m saying.

This article first appeared on The Big Smoke:

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

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