Having a tongue for detail


Apparently at the moment, this is what’s big in Japan. Yep, eyeball licking.

Out of Bosnia comes the story of a tongue with a twist.

A grandmother, Hava Cebic, is claiming that she can cure people by licking their eyeballs. The story appeared in the Daily Mail.

Of course.

She can’t, but she says she can, and plenty of people believe her.

So how did she discover that she had this talent? How many things did she lick before she found it that it was specifically only eyeballs she could cure? And how much damage did she cause along the way?

“Alright kids, we’re going to Grandma’s!” says Mum.
“Come on kids, get in the car,” says Dad.
The parents look around the house. The kids are gone.
“They’ve run away again,” says Mum.
“I don’t blame them,” says Dad. “Tell me again why we just can’t get her a cat to lick?”
“We tried that. She licked the poor thing to death.”

Apparently Hava Cebic discovered she had this talent as a little girl when she pinned down her brother and licked his eyeball after he complained of dry eyes. Lucky the kid didn’t complain of a sore bum.

Mrs Cebic can supposedly help with dry eyes, allergies, conjunctivitis and high eye pressure. Which is just like high blood pressure, except it’s not real.

People come from Sarajevo, Zenica, Tuzla, Kaknja, and Croatia to “lap up” the benefits of Hava Cebic’s magic tongue and she seems to have a real taste for this work as well, recording all the names of the people she’s helped over the years on her “lick-list”.
She also hopes her tongue will be cut off when she dies so it can continue licking disease and causing a (taste) sensation long after she’s gone.

So, this story made the news so we can all read about her and laugh. However, hoax cures have been around as long as disease.
Mrs Cebic provides the same service as any tarot card reader, astrologist, miracle diet pill, Reiki session, hypnotherapist, or any other garbage that science has proved doesn’t work. She provides hope and an easy answer.

Laugh at her if you like, but plenty of people in first world countries spend billions on this crap.  We’re surrounded by them. You might know them. You might even be one of them.

Is this story even newsworthy?

Probably not, but it’s what the news has become.

Sure this sort of thing has always been part of the news, the odd spot is as old as the front page, but the freak show has become the lead story.

News used to entertain, and provide a portrait of problems and issues from around the world.

Now it’s pure entertainment aimed at the lowest common denominator.

This article also mentions “oculolinctus” – eyeball licking as an expression of affection, which is a craze currently sliding, slipping and salivating its way through Japan.

At least Hava Cebic washes her tongue first using alcohol, but don’t worry, she seldom swallows.

The Japanese haven’t been washing and have been spreading disease. Yuck.

Really, they need to either start putting their tongues in condoms, or wear glasses.

This article first appeared on The Big Smoke:


Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

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