Let’s make the Queen’s Birthday a celebration of all Queens

Queens Birthday Meme_4Who doesn’t love a day off? Not any Australians I know.

Not going to work and being paid for it is as Australian as calling in sick to attend a sporting event, going to work when you actually are sick, and considering live streaming sport at work a legitimate use of company resources.

So I’m certainly not suggesting that we get rid of the Queen’s Birthday Holiday.

We should even keep the name. Although nobody I know sends the Queen a present, sings her a song, or does the least possible thing you can do for any person’s birthday – write on their Facebook wall.

I’m not sure if the Queen is even on Facebook, so perhaps somebody in England could do me a solid and write the Queen a birthday message from me on her actual wall?

Something along the lines of:Queens Birthday Meme_7

“To start a riot – simply remove this wall”

“Free – take one or many”

“Happy Birthday Lizzie the Lizard”

“Operates better after head removed”

“Nobody should ever give a convict spray paint”

The Queen is as relevant to modern day Australia as forgotten colloquialisms like “You Beauty”, “Strewth” and “Bert Newton”.

Still, we love a holiday and we should keep the name. All we need to do in order to update this holiday for our contemporary times is to remove the apostrophe.

Thus the “Queen’s Birthday” becomes the “Queens Birthday” and the celebration of an outdated ruling class is instantly transformed into a day to push for gay rights and marriage equality.

Instead of having a party for a Queen named Elizabeth, it’s a party for Queens with names such as: Tilly Screams, Pandora Boxx and Sarabelle Palsy.

I’ll leave the ideas for what the parties should entail up to others, but no doubt they’ll be cracking. Instead of a weekend, we might need a whole week.

Then in order to be balanced and not at all biased, another two holidays are immediately required. “Kings Day” for the lesbians, and for all other people of indeterminate gender, we should have “Camilla Day”.

Queens Birthday Meme_5Recently Prince Phillip and a host of other royals were upset by a spectacle involving a drag Queen Elizabeth. So, if this day can celebrate queer culture, strengthen the push for legalising same sex marriage and piss off the royal family, why haven’t we done it already?

One of our national icons, Dame Edna Everage, has been pushing the cross dressing barge for decades. It’s high time that lovely lady, as well as all the fabulous females with a handle were given the day off that they all deserve.

This needs to be a thing we do right now. Has anyone got a clue how we go about making this happen? It’s the ideal time. Prime Minister Tony Abbott is currently out of the country, so while he’s away, I suggest we lube up this idea and slide it through as quickly as possible.

If it has any trouble pushing through Parliament, we’ll just tell Tony’s advisers that celebrating Australia’s Kings and Queens is the natural next step in the reintroduction of Knights and Dames. Without some higher-ups, who are they supposed to report to after slaying dragons, banishing trolls and dressing up in gasp-inducing gowns?Queens Birthday Meme_2

If that doesn’t work, we can just lie and tell the Liberal lackeys that the money to pay for this idea is coming from the foreign aid budget, public hospitals and soup kitchens. Really though, we’ll siphon it off from their trust funds and the Paid Parental Leave Scheme.

Hopefully when Tony returns, we will have celebrated the first Queens Birthday in so much style that our entire land will be covered in enough glitter, streamers, balloons and fabulous that he’ll think he’s in the wrong country and leave forever.

This article first appeared on The Big Smoke:



Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.

Performing in Melbourne at The Butterfly Club Tue June 17 & Wed June 18 at 8pm.


His debut non-fiction book, ‘Mining My Own Business’ is available now.


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