It’s settled down now, thanks for asking, but last week my sneezing was out of control. Early in the week I was in an elevator with eleven other people, and it kicked off with a whole body sneezing fit. Two blokes loudly reminded everyone that eight sneezes equals an orgasm. Then when I got to four, everyone started counting. Finally I finished at eighteen, and everyone clapped.
When someone asked me if I was okay, one of the guys said, ‘Of course he’s fine. He’s just had a double orgasm. We’re the ones covered in snot.’
‘It’s not just snot,’ I replied.
On a side note, I do carry a handkerchief, so there was very little snot on anyone. Tissues are no good for my sneezes, I keep blowing the backs out of them. Instead of man-size tissues, what the world needs are man-strength tissues. Or handkerchiefs for everyone – they are more environmentally friendly after all.
Anyway, later that same day, I was sharing a bowl of hot chips at a pub with a friend. And you know that feeling you get when you know you’re going to sneeze? I got that. While I had a chip in my mouth.
So I quickly had to decide whether to spit it out, or swallow it. I went for the swallow, because I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? Then the worst happened.
The chip got to the base of my throat, and I then sneezed. I didn’t have any time to whip out my ever-trusty hanky, and the chip came up my throat, through my sinuses and out of my nose. And it was no shoestring French fry either. It was a big, long, chunky chip about the length and width of an erect monkey penis.
So it came out completely intact, and luckily landed beside the bowl of chips and not on them, and then it was decision time. A bit of snot spray had gone over the other chips, so I had to decide whether or not to eat them.
I’ve thought about this before, and I’m really not okay with eating any of my bodily fluids. So I considered sending them back, but I doubt they’d replace them as it was my snot.
In the end I decided to eat the chips. After all, it was only a snotty mist, and snot is mostly just mucous and dead cells. Most importantly, I was hungry and couldn’t afford more chips.
Then I had another choice to make. What was I going to do with the snot chip?
I’d decided I was okay going to eat the chips covered in a bit of snot, but if I wasn’t prepared to eat the snot chip, well it wasn’t fair to be eating any of them at all. So I was forced to eat the snot chip as well.
My friend refused to eat any of the chips, which was far enough, so I ordered another bowl for him. It arrived while he was in the toilet, so I swapped the bowls. He greedily chomped down on the snot chips, including the erect monkey penis, and never suspected a thing.
Which isn’t true. He was disgusted and left the moment I’d snotted all over the chips.
So I just had them all to myself. Which is the whole reason I’d sneezed that huge chip out of my nose in thefirst place – I was starving and didn’t want to share. My nose still really fucking hurts though, and I haven’t been able to smell anything since, and I’ve also developed this weird craving for monkey penis.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.
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