You’ve got a ridiculously cute smile, a mesmerising sway and there’s a lot of eye stuff happening when we talk.
We meet for a drink, and you’ve brought along four friends. Which is weird. Three of them leave, one of them stays. It’s a guy, and you two seem to always go to the toilet together, and it takes a lot longer than the toilet should.
Unless you’ve both been snacking on the same dodgy oysters, I’m suspicious. Actually if oysters have been involved at all, I’m suspicious.
At 3am I notice your feet on his chair. At 4am your feet are in his lap, and at 5am he’s stroking your feet.
I feel like I’ve rocked up to where two hot girls and a token guy had been handing out free Red Bull, but they’ve just run out. I know they were no guarantees, but I was here before him. Sorry for comparing girls to Red Bull, however they both inspire in me an irregular heartbeat, and they both give me wings. (Aww… spew)
What I wanted to say was, ‘If this wasn’t a date, then what was the point?’
But I felt like a prick for even thinking that, so instead I just said, ‘Have fun you two.’
If you were going to bring a whole bunch of friends, you should’ve mentioned it. If there was no romantic point to any of this, it’s up to you to mention it. If you’re using me for a quick self-esteem boost, well that’s just not very nice.
It’s exactly like sitting in the only empty seat on a crowded train, and discovering it was only empty because someone had pissed on it. They all knew, nobody warned you and now if you stand up, they’ll all see your wet bum. Although continuing to sit in it only makes it worse.
I understand that not all dates end in a life-long love story. That you might meet up with someone and then one person is interested and one person isn’t. That you might share some great conversation and that’s it. A kiss, and that’s it. A kiss with a cheeky bit of tongue, and that’s it. I get it and that’s all fine. It’s not ideal, but it’s fine.
Maybe the real problem is that I’ve completely misread the situation. For her it was always just friends and she agreed to the drink because she’s super nice. Or maybe she’s taking things slowly and I’ve ruined it by writing this article.
Or maybe I’m just annoyed at spending so much on drinks, when the same money could’ve bought two slabs and lasted at least through one full weekend of footy.
Oh and Amelia if you’re reading this and it’s no longer happening with that guy, please give me a call.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian currently touring the comedy walking tour ‘2013 – When We Were Idiots’ at the:
Melbourne International Comedy Festival (Mar 27-Apr 21)
Sydney Comedy Festival (May 7-11)
Brisbane Anywhere Theatre Festival (May 12-19)