Twenty Reasons the Football Season Will Save Us All

Drew Petrie taking a screamer. Because he's amazing.

Drew Petrie taking a screamer. Because he’s amazing.

Outside it’s getting colder, our cricket team is posting soccer scores and still nobody can say what the ‘scandal’ part of the drugs in sport scandal actually involves.

Yet it’s the time of year for football fans to be filled with happiness and hope, and not just because Brendan Fevola has just released a book. It’s called, ‘In My Own Words’ which I find difficult to believe, unless it’s written in crayon and most of the words are ‘footy’ or ‘boob’ or ‘uh oh’.

Unlike politics, the environment and what happens to anyone famous because of reality tv the moment they’re off reality tv, people in Australia actually care about football.

Most of us also have a favourite code and if you’re intelligent, discerning and good-looking, it will be AFL.

So inspired by the forthcoming six-month-long season of festivities, here are twenty reasons why I’m ecstatic and think it’s fantastic that footy is finally oh so very nearly here.

1)    Pre-season provides hope. Losses mean your team is full of great young kids, and will peak at the right time of year so will likely win the premiership. Pre-season wins mean exactly the same thing.

2)    I won’t mind being single. Even if I did have girlfriend, I wouldn’t have time for her while there’s footy on. That’s a lie, and I am very lonely. But far less lonely during football season!

3)    Instead of wasting my meagre earnings on rent, food, clothes or going to the movies alone, I’ll be able to spend $400+ on something really important – a football membership.

4)    The day before round one will be wasted tweaking my football tips. After week three I’ll do the tips on Friday in a few minutes, if I remember. After week six I will have lost all interest. Unless I’m winning. Same goes for my Dream Team, and credit card bills.

5)    Richmond supporters who’ve been saying all summer that this year will be different will finally shut up, after Carlton again smashes them in round one. Just like every year. For me, the football season hasn’t started until I see a disgusted Richmond supporter throwing their membership into the bin.

6)    If you’re in South Australia, swap Richmond for Port Adelaide, for Western Australia it’s Fremantle, in Queensland it’s Brisbane and Gold Coast, for New South Wales it’s GWS, and if you’re in Canberra or the Northern Territory, you’ll have no idea what I’m on about. For anyone in Tasmania, you’ll just be happy to get a mention.

7)    It’s a big year for everyone in Tassie, as on the calendar you’ve got multiple visits from both of the near-certain 2013 Grand Finalists – Hawthorn and North Melbourne.

8)    As a North Melbourne supporter who actually goes to the games, I might just run into famous faces like fellow supporters Tim Rogers and Ricky Ponting. If you don’t know who Tim Rogers is, you need to find out. If you’ve never heard of Ricky Ponting, he’s North Melbourne’s No.1 ticket holder and potential next president. After James Brayshaw moves on to be Prime Minister – I hear he’s up for the Labour leadership.

9)    I won’t feel guilty for eating more than one pie in a weekend, or drinking mid-strength beer at the football and enjoying it.

10) Still at the footy, and trying not to complain about paying over $20 for a beer, a pie and chips. Easy if you’re winning, impossible if you’re losing.

11) With umpires and players to scream at all weekend, my Monday morning train ride will be far more pleasant for all the other passengers.

12) Footy also provides a reason to buy the paper. Yes, I know all the information is on the internet, but it’s just not the same. Reading the internet on the toilet is just not the same.

13) We’ll all be back to openly despising Eddie McGuire, and that includes Collingwood supporters. When he’s not wearing that scarf, some of us forget how irritating he is. Nobody ever forgets with Jeff Kennett, but nobody’s seen him without a Hawthorn scarf since he lost the election.

14) As an added bonus, this season football fans will also learn to cringe at every sighting of Port’s new President David Koch. If they don’t already.

15) Every argument about football always degenerates into who’s won more premierships. So I’m looking forward to spending a lot of time with my mates who barrack for St Kilda.

16) There’ll be something apart from music videos without music to watch on the flatscreen tvs at the pub.

17) Footy provides a reason to get out of bed on Saturday and Sunday AND for being intoxicated by lunchtime.

18) When your team loses, that moment where you think that life is over and it’s no longer worth breathing. Then after you’ve started humming along to the opposition’s team song, you’re already convinced that your team has shown enough to turn it all around in time for next week.

19) Each team’s theme song. They’re amazing. After a win does anyone in any other sport sing a song, including the players? We could lose the banners, but never the songs. Except for Ports. It’s rubbish.

20) My life will once again have a purpose.

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian with upcoming shows in Melbourne (Mar 27-Apr 9), Sydney (May 7-11) and Brisbane (May 12-19). For details and more stupidity: