Evolution, Racism and an Inflatable Lara Croft

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So I’ve discovered using the power of research that all racism is baseless. Racism is based on the belief that one race is better than another, and it’s just not true. Never ever.

Which is a massive statement. Usually when someone says ‘never ever’ it’s complete rubbish, and they actually mean, ‘all the freaking time’.

For example:

‘I’ve never ever checked out your girlfriend on Facebook.’ Of course I have. That’s what Facebook’s for.

‘I’ve never ever eaten a pie out of bin.’ The truth is I’ve eaten seven.

‘I’ve never ever sung along with a Justin Bieber song.’ Well I haven’t but no, I’m not willing to take a lie detector test.

So I’m going to prove the racism thing using research, and I’m really glad that it is true. If I’d found out the opposite, that racism is sometimes okay, well that would’ve made this a very different article.

Now I’m certainly not saying that all people are equal. It’s an unfortunate fact that some people are dickheads, but your race has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a dickhead. Everyone knows that’s all about which football team you support.

It’s a scientific fact that humans have one of the smallest variations in DNA of any species on the planet. Even smaller than fruit flies. Which proves how similar we all are, because fruit flies are freaking tiny. They’re also renowned smugglers, which is why they’re not allowed across Australian state borders.

One of the reasons we’re so genetically similar is that about 70,000 years ago the population of the world shrunk to around 1,000 people.

That’s also the number of people who were lining up in Melbourne for the new iPhone 5, and imagine we were all descended from those nerds. Which would be impossible, as they’re not breeding with anyone. Except their hands, and an inflatable Lara Croft. I used to have one of those, which I loved dearly and nightly until I put a hole in it and it deflated. Which left me very deflated.

Anyway 70,000 years ago and only 1,000 people, and nobody really knows why the population got so small. There are theories that it was a volcano, or a rubbish public transport system, or a lack of car parks, next to nightclubs. Since we all know that’s where most kids are conceived.

Basically it got super cold and we nearly all died, and as life was so hard, the human species was evolving really quickly. It was like a season of the X-Factor that went for thousands of years, and when the contestants were eliminated, they were properly eliminated.

Then the weather got warmer and life became easier, and we haven’t really evolved since. I’m not saying life is easy, just eas-ier. As we’ve got jackets and iphones now, and plenty of car parks, next to nightclubs.

So we’re all descended from those 1,000 humans who were very similar and quite closely related, and we haven’t changed much at all in the thousands of years since. Which means that every difference between the races is really just cosmetic, it’s surface, and it goes no further than the colour of your the skin.

Meaning that every difference between the races really is literally only skin deep. Which is a saying we use to describe a tiny very nearly non-existent difference. So there’s actually a saying, ‘skin deep’ that proves exactly what I’m saying. If you get what I’m saying?

If you don’t believe me, then have a quick read of this:


Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian with upcoming shows in Melbourne (Mar 27-Apr 9), Sydney (May 7-11) and Brisbane (May 12-19). For details and more stupidity: www.xaviertoby.com