Retired CSRIO scientist Dr Willy Flyer has today unveiled a plan to simultaneously solve Australia’s ongoing bushfire and flood woes.
‘Three years ago I was told by the CSIRO, “Retire or else”. So I retired, but smuggled out a small satellite in my leaving gift, a life-sized dalek.’
That satellite was an advanced climate measuring station. Days after his retirement, Dr Flyer fired it into orbit using a combination of cola, pop candy and a rocket. He’s been closely monitoring the weather ever since.
‘People keep telling me that the weather’s on the internet, but you don’t cause scientific revolutions on the back of unverified data.’
Dr Flyer’s plan for Australia’s natural disasters was inspired by the ancient Japanese art of origami.
‘I’ve always been fascinated by those serviettes they turn into cranes. It’s so very clever. Luckily, this plan is nowhere near that complicated.’
Using Byron Bay as the central point, Dr Flyer drew a dotted line through Australia, and discovered that the regions suffering the worst bushfires below the line, were nearly exactly the same distance from Byron Bay as towns in the north under water.
‘Every time I saw floods and fires on the news, it frustrated me so much. We can make talking ashtrays and automated toilets, that also talk, but we still have so little control over the basic elements. It’s outrageous.’
He demonstrated his plan using a map of Australia, half of which was on fire and the other half of which was very wet. After folding the map in half, the fire went out.
Dr Flyer was unable to provide details on how he was going to apply this strategy to the actual Australian landmass, as he was severely burnt by the experiment and was rushed to hospital.
The CSIRO declined to comment on the feasibility of the plan, apart from a receptionist who said, ‘Willy Flyer? I think that’s the guy who used to fill up our vending machines.’