Posted on February 12, 2013 by Xavier Toby

Penguins on a Plane

Penguins on a PlaneSo, penguins. It’s actually true that there’s more genetic difference between different colonies of penguins that live next to each other in Antarctica, than there is across the whole human race. People usually use monkeys in this example, tribes of monkeys in the Amazon, but there are already lots of jokes about that. Some of which are very, very racist.

Penguins are the perfect example because they’re both black and white. Sometimes with a little dab of yellow. Pandas are another good example because they’re black, white and Asian. However the Panda suit was way outside my budget, and Pandas sometimes attack children.

Penguins are perfect, because they don’t attack anyone. They don’t even pick on each other. Have you ever hear of a penguin denying another penguin a job based on the way they waddle, or the way they squawk, or whether or not they wear a beaka?

That’s the penguin form of a burka.

Penguins are truly awesome, which is why they’re so popular in advertising. Optus used them for years, and we were so distracted by the cute amazing little penguins, that it took us years to work out that Optus is shit.

There’s also Penguin Books, which makes no sense, because penguins can’t read. In the UK there’s penguin biscuits, in Brazil there’s penguin beer, and there’s even a penguin pool heater. Which is really insensitive, because their home in Antarctica is melting.

For a long time Disney cartoons were a bit shit. Then they dropped in the emergency penguin, and all of sudden, they were a bit amazing. And Morgan Freeman. His career was struggling, until he did that penguin film, where he helped them break out of jail. What was it called? March of the Shawshank Penguins? Attack of the Killer Penguins? Penguins on a Plane?

Hang on. That’s a reference to the film Snakes on a Plane. But that wasn’t Morgan Freeman. That was Samuel L. Jackson. So right there, I’ve mistaken one black actor, for a different black actor. Whoops. This not being racist thing is really hard.

I mean it’s okay, I’m sure they don’t care. They’ve got so much money that they could buy all the penguins. How good would that be? To own all the penguins? You’d have a lifetime supply of Disney Cartoons, and books, and beer. I’m sure that’s the way it works, and if you could somehow use them for fishing, you’d catch heaps.

Now that little mistake I made with the two actors, I don’t think it was racist. It sounds like it could be, but the definition of racism is saying that one race is superior to another. That’s not what I did, I just made a mistake based on race, and I reckon that definition is something that a lot of people get wrong.

Everybody is so scared of being labeled a racist, and so careful to be politically correct, that we often confuse any mention of race as racism. That’s like saying just because you know a criminal you are one. Or since Shane Warne used to be a great spin bowler, he still is. Or because you once wore lycra in a café, you’ll always be an embarrassment. That last one might be true.

Point is, just because you notice that someone is wearing happy pants and an Ed Hardy shirt, reading Delta Goodrem’s biography, and has a car with a personalized number plate and a My Family sticker, that’s not picking on them. Based on those attributes, you’ve probably just made a judgment about that person. I know I have, and if that judgment was based on race, that’d be racist. As it stands, that judgment is based on common sense and isn’t racist, it’s just accurate.