Pour beer all over yourself, so it at least smells like you’ve been drinking. If you’re breath tested, this has the added bonus of confusing the hell out the police because you smell like you’re smashed.
Then on the way home, stop off at a tattoo parlour, and refuse to take anyone anywhere until everyone gets an Australian Flag or Southern Cross tattoo.
2) Find an empty VB longneck and fill it with water.
Due to the tinged glass, only the most astute will be able to tell it’s not beer, and people will be amazed at your sobriety, especially considering that you’ve been gulping out of that longneck all day. They’ll also be perplexed about what you’re doing the empties. Ginger beer works better than water, and actual VB works best.
3) Instead of alcohol, take other drugs.
Like caffeine, and well that’s about it for the legal ones. Not cocaine. It’s way too expensive. If you’re going to take actual illegal drugs, it’s not recommended, but it’s a good day for it. All the sniffer dogs are at the Big Day Out.
4) Go to work.
Earn double time and a half. If you’re not getting paid, go anyway, and as the only one in the office pretend you’re in a disaster movie where the rest of the population has disappeared or turned into drunken zombies. Actually do some work, then on Monday flood your still fuzzy headed workmates with questions and tasks.
5) Wear a t-shirt with fuzzy writing.
You’ll look like a tool, but might confuse the odd drunkard.
6) Visit: http://www.australiaday.com.au
Pick an event to attend, or stay home and check in via Facebook to all the events. Especially ‘The Wiggles’. The next day, when your hungover friends are unable to do anything but scroll through Facebook, watch movies and eat KFC, they’ll be totes jealous. LOL ROFL.
Another one for Facebook: Take pics of your friends at their drunken worst, and immediately post to Facebook. Hopefully they won’t be awake until Sunday afternoon, by which time you’ll have embarrassed them for hours. The only downside is that they’ll likely de-friend you. On Facebook, and in the real world.
8) Go for an early afternoon run.
Pass as many pubs as possible, feeling superior and spreading exercise guilt. Try not to trip over, from experience I can tell you that bloody knees completely undermine this adventure. So does riding a bike in lycra, and falling off outside a beer garden.
9) Use the money you’ve saved by not drinking to buy yourself something pretty. Such as shiny dollar coins to put into the pokies.
10) Win backyard cricket with your superior reflexes. Or if you’re me, spend the day fielding and go out first and second ball, because my mates still play regularly and I haven’t played for years.
Bonus Pub Games for the Sober Person:
a) Play poker with your drunk friends.
Use your winnings to buy them soft drinks. When you’re drinking, soft drink is like daylight to a proper vampire, and there’s nothing worse. Apart from being bitten by a rabid dog, then passing out in a national park, but that was my Australian Day last year.
b) Buy the hottest bottle of chilli that you can.
Dare those who are drinking to add it to their lunch and/or dinner. Drunk people are renowned for their inability to refuse a dare. Try making it into a competition in order to inflict bonus anguish.
c) Drunk people are very gullible. Invent news items and pretend to read them from your phone.
Some examples: ‘Chris Judd hurts knee in bar brawl’, ‘Tony Abbott swims from Darwin to East Timor’, ‘Putting chips in beer can improve the taste’, ‘Masterchef contestant poisons judges’, ‘Environmentally friendly aeroplane fuelled by hot air.’
d) Slur random words.
Slur between one and three words in every sentence. This is highly confusing, especially if those around you have started slurring, or are on the brink. Watch with joy as their eyes narrow, their reduced mental capacities try to figure out what’s going on, and they suffer a small and hopefully harmless brain explosion.
I’m performing at Perth Fringe World (Feb 7-13), Adelaide Fringe (Feb 15 – Mar 1) and the Melbourne International Comedy Festival (Ma 17 – Apr 1). Here are some details:
White Trash at Fringe World Perth: http://bit.ly/WPVYF
White Trash at the Adelaide Fringe: http://bit.ly/Y28wA0
2013 – When We Were Idiots at the Adelaide Fringe: http://bit.ly/ZJVWB2