Worst Break-Up Ever? Ex-Tropical Cyclone Oswald Speaks Out

Oswald in Better Days

Tropical Cyclone Oswald in happier times

Jilted lovers have been known to go to outlandish lengths to express their displeasure at the sudden ending of a relationship, but none so much as Ex-Tropical Cyclone Oswald.

For days now, an inconsolable Oswald has been belting the Australia’s east coast with torrential rain and gale force winds.

‘I just miss her so much,’ the cyclone managed between torrents of tears, and sneezes that uprooted trees.

‘It was all going so well. I just don’t think I’m ever going to meet another weather event like her.’

Oswald and Trish, a category four tornado, had been together in the Indian Ocean for four months.

‘It was as if it was meant to be. Our maximum wind strengths were almost identical, but then Trish met Eric.’

On a recent American holiday, Trish collided with Eric the Earthquake at a conference on avoiding early warning systems, and disappeared days later.

‘All I got from her was a text message which said, ‘Oswald, you always blew me away. But Eric, he makes the earth move’. I’m an air based weather phenomenon. How I am supposed to compete with that?’

Between sobs that released a deluge of 400mm on the New South Wales North Coast, Oswald muttered, ‘Trish has twisted my emotions every which way but up.’

Weather and relationship experts both expect the rain and wind to continue for at least a couple more days.

Oswald explained, ‘It wouldn’t be so bad if people stopped talking about it. My name’s Oswald. Even Ozzie. Not ex-Oswald. That’s just really cruel.’

Counsellors have been sent to the worst affected zones, in the hope that they’ll be able to talk Oswald into the next stage of grieving, which would involve him moving offshore and becoming a localised depression.