Will I make it a month? You can bet on it.

It all starts tomorrow. Are you ready? I’m not. At all.However, I am willing to bet that I’m going to make it. So if I don’t make it the full 28 days, I will personally double all the donations I receive. That means you get your donation back, if you want it, and FebFast gets some money.

Place your bets here: https://febfast2013.everydayhero.com/au/xavier-toby

There will be no passes, no chances, no days off. If I drink one drop, you win. And I’m a loser.

The only exception is if I drink alcohol by accident. That is, if there’s rum in a cake, or I swallow a bit of mouthwash, or someone spikes my drink. So if anyone is planning to spike my drink, please use anything but alcohol.

This is me in a penguin suit. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Yes, I was drunk.

This is me in a penguin suit. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Yes, I was drunk.

Do I think I can make it? I was feeling confident, until I started thinking about the facts.

In the last three months I can count all my alcohol free days on one finger, and I don’t even need that finger.

While I’ve only been drunk once in the last two weeks, I have had a beer after work every day, and it’s been delicious. Also, it’s handed to me by my boss, who doesn’t know I’m doing this. So tomorrow at 6pm things are going to be very awkward.

I work out on a mining site, where they drink after work. Then on the way from work to the pub, then at the pub, until it’s time to sleep then work then drink again. Every day.

When I’m not at the mining site, I’m a comedian. During February I’ll be onstage attempting the funny two or three times a day. Over the last year I’ve performed over 100 shows, and at some of those people were laughing at me. At a few select shows, people were even laughing with me. No joke. Well there were jokes, hence the laughter, ah doesn’t matter.

And the amount of times I’ve performed sober? Or without a beer in my hand? Or without a drink before and after the show? Zero.

Why is it so? Comedy feels better with alcohol. It helps relax me, and I think the simple feeling of having a drink in my hand gives me a sense that everything’s going to be okay.

Alcohol is such a part of mining and comedy that the people who don’t drink stand out far more than those that do. From February First, this is a conversation I expect to hear on repeat:

‘What about Xavier? Does he want a beer?’ asks miner one.

‘Not anymore,’ says miner two.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ says miner one.

‘What? Apart from the obvious?’ miner two replies.

Both laugh.

So I don’t want to go on about it, but it’s going to be really tough. I actually don’t think I can do it, which is part of the reason that I want to do it.

Any other reasons?

Not to lose weight. I actually lose more weight when drinking, because I stop eating. Not very healthy, but I look slimmer and isn’t that what matters? Who’s more attractive? A fat fit person, or a skinny drunk?

To save money? Well I’ll save a little, and I’m going to keep a tally, just to check. With the amount of free drinks I get though, along with those I smuggle into the venue in order to avoid those ridiculous prices, I imagine I won’t be saving that much.

To get healthy? Let’s be honest, getting healthy is more about losing weight, and I lose weight when drinking heavily. So no.

So why then? Well, I love writing and performing. They’re my passion, and my writing is rubbish when I’m drunk or hungover, or even slightly impaired. To those who say it’s still rubbish, well it’s even worse than this.

Then the performing, that’s better with alcohol, but I’ve never given the alternative a chance. So here’s your big chance non-drinking Xavier.

If it’s horrible, well I may last only a matter of days into February, and then I’ll go on a bender that will probably make for way more interesting reading than the moaning of sober Xavier. Also, I’ll lose the bet, so everyone will get to gloat about that too.

Oh and I also want to try and pick up a girl sober. Haven’t done that before either. I’d also really like a girlfriend, but that’s a story for a different website…

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