Posted on August 26, 2015 by Xavier Toby
  Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Trolls who abuse online need to fess and face up to those they smear

(This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail)

ARE you fed up with all the hateful, hurtful rubbish that’s in nearly every comments section on the internet and on Twitter?

Me too. So I’ve come up with a solution. The “say it to their face” rule.


It’s simple. You’re not allowed to comment, post or leave any message anywhere on the internet unless you’re prepared to say it to that person’s face.

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Posted on August 4, 2015 by Xavier Toby
  Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

A handy guide for spotting a racist in these multicultural times

(This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail)

HERE’S one quick way to work out if someone’s racist.

If they say, “I’m not racist, but …” they’re definitely racist.

Some racist Australians

Really, that phrase should be outlawed. As a conversational gambit, it just makes no sense.

I mean if it actually worked, nobody would ever again be sent to prison.

In court all they’d have to say is: “I’m not a murderer, but … I accidentally mistook my husband for a knife holder 37 times.”

Then the judge would say: “While all the evidence indicates that you’re guilty, you’ve used the infamous “I’m not but” defence which, we all know, is infallible. Therefore, case dismissed. Off ya go tiger. Try not to do it again, ya cheeky scamp.”

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Posted on July 9, 2015 by Xavier Toby
  Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

You can go for renovating but I’d rather opt for fun

(This article first appeared in The Herald Sun)

LAST Friday night I had a spare ticket to a comedy gala night thingy. Included were food and drinks and on the bill were some top acts.

As a comedian, I don’t often get excited about seeing other comedians. Would you want to go into work on your day off, just to sit and watch your colleagues do whatever?

I was excited about this event though and not just because of the unlimited free drinks.

I ended up going alone, however, as it was short notice and my girlfriend couldn’t make it because she doesn’t exist.

So most of my friends had good reasons for being unavailable — either family or football, but from three of my friends, I heard the most horrendous excuse. Ever.

They couldn’t go out on Friday because they “just had to be up early on Saturday to get supplies and tools and that, so they could get stuck into a big weekend of renovating”.

Since when has renovating become something you “had” to do? Instead of fun?

Renovating is something you can employ others to do, because it’s work.

Nobody is going to pay you to spend a week on a beach, at a music festival, or to drive home from the races in a stolen golf cart.

Go home house, you're drunk.

Go home house, you’re drunk.

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Posted on June 12, 2015 by Xavier Toby
  Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Seeya mX, and bye to all newspapers?

MX - image1 GdjZQvl

Newspapers need saving. The internet is coming, and newspaper readership is plummeting. mX was meant to be that saviour.

The grand plan was that a whole hoard of young, internet savvy, newspaper allergic under thirties would get hooked on a free paper then be all like, “They’re like pixels you can touch. The screen is bigger and it’s better resolution. WOW.”

Instead, mX readership has slowly dropped away and the largest media company in the world has decided that the experiment is over. The bridge between paid for newspapers and the internet isn’t being using enough so it’s being demolished, and this is no fault of the mX team.

It was a tricky line to tread. Be irreverent but still informative, keep it short, snappy and engaging while trying to drop in the odd something important.

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Posted on June 11, 2015 by Xavier Toby
  Estimated reading time: 3 minutes

Smartphone ban at public events has nice ring to it

IF YOU’RE at the movies and you’re on the phone, I can see you. Same goes for a comedy show, the theatre and if you hold it up at a concert or music gig or any live performance to capture a bit of anything, then I can see that too. Along with plenty of other people. And we’re all annoyed.

Smartphones should be banned from all those events. You don’t need them. They wreck the experience for yourself and others but, most importantly, you don’t need them. You think you do, but you don’t.


If you’re worried that your wife might go into labour, then you shouldn’t be at the movies. If you’re waiting to hear from someone about a job, or an appointment, or a date, then don’t go to the movies.

What if there’s an emergency? Well, are you a doctor? Do you drive an ambulance? Are you in a position to do anything about it?

No, you’re not. However, there are plenty of people who are – ushers, attendants and so on – and they all have mobile phones too.

There was a time before everyone had a mobile phone. People coped. Give it a try.

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Posted on May 30, 2015 by Xavier Toby
  Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

What it’s like to be a fly on the wall at a FIFO mining operation

This article recently appeared in:

The Brisbane Courier Mail

The NT News

FIFO photo

THE Queensland parliamentary inquiry into FIFO (fly in fly out) work has begun and already submissions are being made on the impact of and issues facing FIFO workforces.

If you’ve ever wondered what type of person becomes a FIFO worker, well for six months last year, I was out there.

From the conversations overheard, observations made and investigations performed, I discovered that there are basically 11 types of FIFO workers and with some of them it wouldn’t surprise me if mental health becomes a major focus of the inquiry.

Firstly, there are those without families who party away their week off and save nothing, and their exact opposite, those with families, whose money goes straight to the mortgage or education for the kids.

Then there are also those paying off vast debts after their own businesses have failed, so that’s three types.

Type four are the guys saving everything to buy a house outright. They look at this job like a short jail term for a long-term gain. Similar to most, I suppose.

Also out there are those that don’t even save enough to have a good time during their week off, as they spend every night off-site in the nearest pub downing spirits and gambling online or otherwise. Which is type five.

Type six talk about camping trips but never make it, because when not at work they’re always at the pub talking about camping trips.

Type seven talk about their camping trips but actually do make it, so also have photos – which they’re happy to show you, even if you don’t ask.

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