Posted on December 2, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Some strange traditions are really just turkeys


This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

The fourth Thursday in November, known in America as Thanksgiving, is quite a big deal in the USA and not just because it celebrates three of their favorite pastimes – over-eating, a parade with a corporate sponsor, and a sport nobody else plays.

The following Friday is then ‘Black Friday’, the equivalent of Australia’s Boxing Day sales, and involves flat-screen televisions raining from the sky, people getting trampled for a slight discount on an electric kettle, and others getting shot because America.

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Posted on November 27, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Erect barriers to ‘dick pics’ with better junk folders and stiffer penalties

Carrot Dick

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

SO, some clown posted a “dick pic” on a Labor campaign organiser’s Twitter account.

I have some sympathy for Mark Woodley, who works in Deputy Premier Jackie Trad’s electorate and says his account was hacked.

It wasn’t that long ago I received a very explicit pic of a male member.

At first, I thought it was mine. And that a ransom would follow that if I didn’t pay, it would be distributed to the world. (Now that I’m married the maximum ransom I’d pay is zero dollars. Though, come to think of it, back when I was single, it was also zero.)

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Posted on November 11, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Naming a Baby is Hard

Baby Name Meme

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

Have you ever tried naming a baby? Maybe you think it’d be easy. In reality, it’s really hard. Last year my wife and I had to name one, and although we had nine months, we nearly missed the deadline.

You don’t realize how many people you dislike until you try it, and you can’t pick one of those because anytime you look at the kid, you don’t want to be thinking of someone you despise.

Names of past partners are also out, because the last thing you want to see in your child’s face is what might have been with someone else. Friends and family are out too, since you don’t want them thinking you named the baby in their honor. Regardless of what you might say, that person will always suspect you did, and will never let you forget it.

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Posted on October 22, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Stuff the Detox. What about a Retox?


This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

You know detoxes and cleanses don’t work, right? Your body does all the cleansing and detoxifying you’ll ever need. Nobody talks about it though, because you can’t sell nothing.

If enough people are willing to pay money for a thing, someone will invent a reason you should buy it and call if science. Beer, heroin, soft drinks and cigarettes have all at different stages been touted as having scientifically proven health benefits.

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Posted on October 15, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Birthdays are the worst

Hate Birthdays

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

Ever since I turned twenty-one, each of mine has been a reminder that I’m nearer to the end but further from my dreams. I’ve just turned a year from forty, and finally given up on my dream of becoming a professional football playing astronaut firefighter.

These years, they also involve being reminded of my significant regrets, which are only going to increase as I age. The book contract I lost because I was working a ‘real job’, all the times I stayed out too late to prove I’m a ‘real man’, the pivotal comedy performances I messed up because I really like drinking.

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Posted on October 12, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Weinstein’s Woeful Wiener

Mr Mean

This article first appeared on The Big Smoke

With this whole Harvey Weinstein outrage, how did he get away with it for so long? Now it’s out he’s quickly been fired and rightly so, but according to the reports, he was at it for thirty years. I’ve barely been alive thirty years, have basically zero profile, and if I scraped the wrong car in the car park I’d struggle to ever book another gig.

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