![The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is now in full swing, and as a comedian, the most common question I’m asked is, ‘How do you do it?’ Basically people want to know how I manage to overcome all that fear, and stand on stage in front of a group of strangers, then attempt to make them laugh. Alcohol. Well that’s how I started. Now it’s practice. Like anything really, do it enough, and make sure you do at least a little practice and preparation, and you start to know what you’re doing. A quick tip for anyone complimenting a comedian – after a show don’t tell them how brave you think they are just for getting up onstage. That’s the equivalent of telling a fat kid he might have come last in the 100m sprint, but good on him for having a go. That someone’s homemade cupcakes might be inedible, but they still look sort of cupcake like. It’s the equivalent of telling someone you don’t want to date them anymore, but you’re sure someone else one day will be interested. All of these things have of course happened to me. If you want to compliment a comedian, tell them that they’re funny, or nothing at all. The next most common question is, ‘Why do you do it? I can’t think of anything worse.’ Well if you can’t think of anything worse than attempting to bring joy to a bunch of strangers who are prepared to pay you money for the privilege, you’re really not trying. Being forced to swallow the aforementioned cupcake. That’s worse. Being squashed next to someone smelly on a crowded tram. That’s worse. Being bitten by a strange dog then having to get stitches and a vaccination. That’s far worse. All these things have also happened to me. This week. Then often comes the follow up question, ‘Seriously though, why do you do it?’ There isn’t just one answer, and I reckon every comedian has different reasons. Firstly, having a room full of people laughing at some original thing that you thought up, wrote down and then […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Comedy-Meme-3-490x225.jpg "Why Do I Comedy?")
![Shopping. I just don’t get it. Honestly, I cannot think of a bigger waste of time. Watching the grass grow or the paint dry, at least you’re outside and contemplating things. Such as why café coffee always tastes better than home coffee, why it is that home improvements on television take a fraction of the time they do in real life, and how much better football season is than not football season. Seriously though, anyone who just ‘goes shopping’ for the sake of it. Why? Whenever I shop it’s with a purpose. I identify a need, then go out and search until I fulfil that need. The longer it takes, the more frustrated I become. Imagine if ‘The Hulk’ had no special abilities, but shopping was his magical flick from reasonable to angry. That’s me in a shopping centre. Purple underpants, shirtless and very angry. Often then quickly asked by security to leave. If the first shop I walk into has what I want, I buy it. What I certainly don’t do is keep looking under the mistaken impression that I’ll find a more suitable version at a different store. I might take a bit of time to do a price comparison. Three stores within easy walking distance at a maximum, and then pick the cheapest. Or I might just check on the internet, like an intelligent person. What I will never do is go shopping without a need to fulfil and an end product in mind. That’s like following the football, and not supporting a particular team. Pick a team. Nobody trusts a person who follows football and doesn’t have a team. It’s like hanging out in bars, but never having a drink. It’s like going to a shop with over two hundred flavours of ice cream, just because you like the idea of all that choice, but have no actual desire for ice-cream. You go into an ice-cream shop because you want ice cream. Not because you like the idea of ice cream. If you’re lactose intolerant, eat gelato. So the point of going shopping is to buy […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Shopping-FWIW-Meme-490x225.jpg "Shopping. I cannot think of a bigger waste of time.")
![So, the first H&M store has just opened in Australia. In Melbourne of course, as Melbourne hits that magical sweet spot between up itself enough to prioritise fashion over everything but football, and cold enough that people need clothes all year round. A stylish person in Sydney would only need half the wardrobe, and in Queensland and Western Australia, style counts as having a decent range of swimwear, singlets and thongs. So what does H&M stand for? Not ‘Her Majesty’s’ or ‘heroes & marvels’ although I wish it did. It’s Hennes & Mauritz, and is a Swedish company. Combine that with Australia’s hunger for anything that’s popular overseas, and H&M stores will soon likely be dotting Australia like the Starbucks of old. So will I ever shop there? Probably. The clothes are decent and reasonably priced. I’m certainly not suggesting that you don’t shop there for ethical reasons. If we all only did what was ethical, then everyone in Australia would be wearing skirts made from grass grown in our own backyards, eating only that same grass, and growing it using fertiliser we’ve created ourselves. Since every lawn is a massive waste of resources, and should be put to good use before using anything else. One of my favourite check shirts came from H&M and I wore it for years. Until it finally tore apart while attempting a particularly daring during a drunken dance move for a girl’s benefit. She was so impressed that she left – without me. Then I was forced to leave, as apparently a torn check shirt isn’t appropriate attire for an invite-only party at a cocktail bar. Either is dancing on the bar. And not having an invite. The prudes. As far as clothes go, I don’t have a problem with H&M, and as they are the second biggest global clothing retailer on the planet, neither does the rest of the world. What I don’t like, or understand, is lining up for stuff. People were queuing for hours for the privilege of being the first in there for stuff you can just waltz in and […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/fashion-fashion_o_675052-400x225.jpg "Fashion Victims and Australia’s first H&M Store")
![Nobody might ever find one scrap of missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370. It’s not just looking for a needle in a haystack. Considering the size of the ocean, and the amount of other rubbish floating around, it’s like looking for a needle in haystack that’s full of needles, and the haystack is the size of Australia. Also, how long does debris float for before it sinks? I have no idea. I suppose it depends on the debris. Nobody’s giving up the search anytime soon, however, and as long as we keep consuming the news reports about it, the reports about it will keep coming, forcing the search to continue. Much like the Madeleine McCann or Princess Diana tragedies, the investigations will continue although there’s no new real information, but because people still care enough to buy things with this story on the front page. In twenty years there’s likely to be some poor bloke in a fishing boat with a pole and a pair of binoculars still sifting through the ocean for that elusive black box. I’m just waiting for the conspiracy theories to again gather momentum. Early on they were bouncing around, as anyone with an opinion was able to get it published, in order to supply a hungry public with more theories on what might have happened, with very few bothering to ask how likely it was that any of it was true. In a bar the other night… I don’t want to be specific because as a comedian, I’m in a bar nearly every night… The consensus among the group seemed to be that flight MH370 would be found in some terrorist friendly country, with everyone on board alive but a little hungry. I wish everyone on that plane was still alive, but I doubt it. As I base my opinions not on hope, but on the best information available. Except when it comes to football, which is the only way to explain why I barrack for North Melbourne in the AFL, and the Wests Tigers in the NRL. To find out the best information on any […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/MH370-Meme-480x225.jpg "Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 – Why Do We Care So Much?")
![Parliamentary question time really needs to change. I mean, it’s called ‘question time’ for a reason. Someone should at least pretend to answer a question. Instead, last week in Federal Parliament, Labor MPs moved a motion of no confidence in Speaker Bronwyn Bishop, accusing her of bias and incompetence. Which I think is completely unfair, because bias and incompetence is something that every single excuse for a politician involved in that farce called question time is equally guilty of. I know the speaker is supposed to be impartial, and she clearly isn’t, but Parliamentary Question time sits atop a structure built of so many stupidities that it makes a house of cards look both earthquake and tsunami proof. The motion of no confidence in Bronwyn never had any hope of passing. The Labor politicians don’t have the votes to pass anything, and even suggesting it was just another poor stunt among the many that has come to comprise Question Time. According to people who were around back before television, apparently there was a golden time in Australian politics when politicians actually answered the questions they were asked. Instead of this current complete car wreck, which runs like the worst scripted play in all of history, but is allowed to continue despite nobody asking for more. Have you tried watching parliamentary question time lately? Give it a go. It’s horrendous. One of two things always happens. A politician will ask a politician from their same party to talk about something they’ve done. So the politician who’s been asked will stand up and read a pre-prepared speech detailing why they’re amazing. Option two involves an opposition politician asking a question. Which will then be answered with a whole lot of accusations and questions that are nothing to do with the original question. In the background at all times are garbled insults and other rubbish. The only discernable purpose of the whole thing seems to be to provide a spiteful grab for the nightly news. A clever quip, the big, bold statement or the harsh critique that makes it onto our small screens […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Parliament-Question-Time-490x225.jpg "Too many stupid questions and so many stupid people. Parliamentary question time needs to change.")
![Sections of this article have appeared elsewhere. Here’s the full version… Tony Abbott today announced the reintroduction of Knights and Dames in Australia. Who gives a stuff? I refuse to engage with this issue AT ALL until he also reintroduces dragons. Stories about knights and dames are nothing without a dragon. In no particular order my nominations for the first Australian dragon are: Scott Ludlam, Wendell Sailor (obviously) and Cate Blanchett. All those old medieval tales, in my opinion, lack dragons that are actually worth barracking for. These are three dragons that I’d like to see have big wins. Anyway, back to Sir Tony the Irreverent. With all the huge issues facing this country at this very moment in history, what sort of leader wastes his time losing sleep over such a skid mark of an issue? This is exactly the same as a battlefield general skipping the strategy meeting to contemplate different types of hand moisturiser. Or a student who’s unable to sleep not because of the massive exam they’ve got tomorrow, but because they’ve just noticed that one shoelace is slightly shorter than the other. Or a starving man who refuses to eat because he’s busy updating his Facebook status, ‘Totes just saw a cloud shaped like a dancing hippo LOL.’ There must be some pretty heinous news just around the corner if Mr Abbott is committed to distracting us with this putrid excuse for an issue. So if you haven’t started stockpiling and building your emergency bunker yet, it’s time to start right now. It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. He’s the lead singer who’s disregarding a packed stadium of fans to bid on an especially shiny iPhone cover on eBay. The footballer who’s ignoring the footy because first he needs to count every blade of grass. He’s the politician determined to do everything he can to distract us from politics. Magic isn’t real, and neither is anything happening at a political level in this country at the moment. Magic works through planning, practice, misdirection and sleight of hand. You look one way, and the trick […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Dragon-Bear-443x225.jpg "Politics is now Knights, Dames and Magic. But where are all the Dragons?")
![Was the March in March pointless? That depends on what you wanted to achieve. Did you want to hang out with a group of like-minded people, hit the odd bongo, hold a sign bearing an attempt at a clever slogan, chant something repetitive and possibly naughty, and feel good about yourself? Then no, it wasn’t pointless at all. It was a rather grand day out, weather permitting. If you wanted to actually to bring about any meaningful change in this country, however, then the March in March was extremely and completely pointless. Tony Abbott won the election. By a fair bit too, if you dare to have a look back at the numbers. Fair and square, he won the right to govern this country until the next election. The coalition might be going back on promises, changing laws and really doing things you don’t like very much. So when the next election comes around, make sure you don’t vote for them. In the meantime, you should then be doing everything you can to change the minds of those that did. Politicians are vacuous creatures who thrive on public approval in order to survive. A type of monster or zombie who thrives on attention, and without it sits and withers in a position as an overpaid consultant or in the public service, until eventual and long overdue retirement. Look at how often both Gillard and Rudd changed their policies depending on where the votes were. I believe that Tony Abbott doesn’t actually even have an opinion of his own. He is just recharged every morning at the conservative alter of worship, with powerbrokers pouring the water of ill-thought out and popular wisdom down his ever-thirsty gullet. However, if you think that we need to banish him from this country, well you’re against democracy. What would you rather? A dictatorship like Zimbabwe or the AFL? Maybe some sort of anarchist regime would work best, and that’s not a bad idea. The protestors during the March in March weren’t voting for system change though. I mean they were, because they were demanding the […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/March-in-March-Abbott-Meme-490x225.jpeg "In Defence of Tony Abbott and the Pointlessness of the March in March")
![Are you a person who will offer someone directions if they’re looking lost? What about if they ask? Or are you the type to shrug, say you don’t know, and if they persist just point anywhere, in order to get the person asking to go away as quickly as possible? I like to think I’m someone who will help where I can, but in my life I’ve been all three. There’s even a fourth type, that’s also been me at times. It’s the person who’s asked for directions but isn’t sure, however really wants to help. So I’ll point where I believe the destination to be, only to realise after the person asking has departed, that I’ve pointed in the entirely wrong direction. I’ve also discovered that running after this person while yelling and waving, only makes them run away from you in the wrong direction even faster. Advertisement So all I can do is hope that they figure out to ask someone else, or they’ve got enough provisions to last until they’re rescued. As one of the last remaining humans who seems to walk anywhere in the suburbs, people often pull over and ask me for directions. Often I don’t know, and then have to put up with questions about why I’m wondering around a suburb if I don’t know where I’m going either. Basically the person is saying, ‘What has gone so wrong in your life that you’re an adult human who doesn’t have a car?’ Then there are the people who don’t believe that you don’t know, so will hound you for help. In the end I’ll just point towards what I hope is a main road, and they’ll smile and say, ‘See? That’s wasn’t too difficult now was it?’ Half an hour later they’ll then creep around a corner, still lost and spy me, still walking. This time, they’ll pretend they haven’t even seen me. Which is fine with me. I’ve even been asked for directions out of a shopping centre car park. As it turned out, I didn’t know either. Thanks to Google Maps what […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Directions-Penguin.jpeg "To give, or not to give… directions")
![In much of Australia today, it’s stupidly extremely really very hot. Like instantly start sweating, dog won’t mind not being walked, go to the bottle shop and hide in the beer fridge hot. Especially in the parts of Australia that are on fire. In much of America, it’s ridiculously, outrageously freezing cold. Like instantly turn your snot to icicles, don’t take off your gloves you might lose a finger, huddle around the heater and forget the rest of the world cold. On the news earlier today, I even saw a bird get frozen. While in mid flight. So what does it all mean? You know, in terms of the planet and stuff. During the hottest days of summer I often overhear this: ‘How hot is it today?’ asks one. ‘I know. Bloody climate change,’ replies two. Then during the coldest days of winter, it’s this: ‘How cold is it today?’ asks one. ‘I know. Bloody climate change. Definitely doesn’t exist,’ replies two. Do you know what’s actually proved by a few really hot or cold days? In terms of how the climate might be changing over time? Nothing. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot. Unless they’re joking. Then they’re not funny, and they’re also an idiot. The most terrifying thing is that people all over the world are saying on television and in newspapers that these extreme weather events are evidence of something. Others are then hearing and reading this and thinking, ‘It is extremely hot/cold/wet/windy/humid/inclement today. They must be right.’ They’re not even a little bit right, but we believe them because humans are hard wired to be stupid. Our brains actually have trouble with logic and reasoning. The way we learn stuff was developed thousands of years ago. You know, back when Madonna and Kylie Minogue and Johnny Depp were just starting out. Back then there weren’t any books. Just like twenty years from now, there’s not going to be any books either. So back in hunter-gather times, when the late show with David Letterman had first gone to air, and the local car manufacturing industry made […]](http://www.xaviertoby.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Climate-Change-Meme_4-490x225.jpeg "It’s soooo hot/cold today. Which proves climate change yeah? Actually, no.")
The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is now in full swing, and as a comedian, the most common question I’m asked is, ‘How do you do it?’
Basically people want to know how I manage to overcome all that fear, and stand on stage in front of a group of strangers, then attempt to make them laugh.
Alcohol. Well that’s how I started.
Now it’s practice. Like anything really, do it enough, and make sure you do at least a little practice and preparation, and you start to know what you’re doing.
A quick tip for anyone complimenting a comedian – after a show don’t tell them how brave you think they are just for getting up onstage.
That’s the equivalent of telling a fat kid he might have come last in the 100m sprint, but good on him for having a go.
That someone’s homemade cupcakes might be inedible, but they still look sort of cupcake like.
It’s the equivalent of telling someone you don’t want to date them anymore, but you’re sure someone else one day will be interested.
All of these things have of course happened to me.
If you want to compliment a comedian, tell them that they’re funny, or nothing at all.
The next most common question is, ‘Why do you do it? I can’t think of anything worse.’
Well if you can’t think of anything worse than attempting to bring joy to a bunch of strangers who are prepared to pay you money for the privilege, you’re really not trying.
Being forced to swallow the aforementioned cupcake. That’s worse.
Being squashed next to someone smelly on a crowded tram. That’s worse.
Being bitten by a strange dog then having to get stitches and a vaccination. That’s far worse.
All these things have also happened to me. This week.
Then often comes the follow up question, ‘Seriously though, why do you do it?’
There isn’t just one answer, and I reckon every comedian has different reasons.
Firstly, having a room full of people laughing at some original thing that you thought up, wrote down and then said is a huge rush.
Secondly, there is huge hole in most comedians that can only be filled with the adoration of strangers. If a whole bunch of people pay to spend an hour with you, then you must be worth something to someone right?
This need usually has its basis in being relentlessly teased in high school or primary school. Then shutting yourself in your room, and spending hours crafting the perfect comeback. Your first comedy set. Which if ever tried in public, always fails but for some reason we keep at it.
Thirdly, here’s the main reason I’m a comedian.
I do it because I think every single human being is capable of wonderful things, and
I don’t think anyone is stupid. I just think that a lot of us, myself included, don’t know enough and if we were more thoughtful, looked deeper into issues and knew more, we could as a society be making better decisions and live in a far better world.
With every piece of writing that I do, and most jokes that I perform, I try to inform. Prior to comedy, I tried doing this in a few different ways that weren’t that funny, and nobody seemed that bothered.
Once I added jokes, people started listening. If someone laughs at something you’ve said, it’s very likely that they’ll listen to the next thing you say and consider it, even if they don’t necessarily agree.
That said, I still adhere to one simple comedy rule. Not every joke has to be meaningful, but it does have to be funny.
Otherwise, you’re not a comedian, you’re just annoying.
Also to be a comedian, you need an audience. Otherwise you’re just a crazy guy shouting at an overflowing bin. Which I’ve also done in the past week. While dressed as a penguin.
Lastly, thanks to all the people who’ve seen a show so far during the comedy festival. Please, go and see some more. To those that haven’t, give it a go.
There are many far worse things to do with your night than pay a little for the possibility of a big laugh. During every day, every one of us does a fair few of them. So why not reward yourself with some comedy? Speaking on behalf of every comedian, we could really do with the cash.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.
Catch him at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival from March 27 to April 20.
http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2014/season/shows/mining-my-own-business-xavier-toby
His first book ‘Mining My Own Business’ about life on a FIFO mining site is available now.
http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/books-and-authors/book/mining-my-own-business/
