I THINK I’m broken. So many people are convinced that they’re essential, but I just don’t get weddings. My mum’s advice? “Just elope. Whatever money we were going to give you for the wedding, spend it on the honeymoon. Actually, do whatever you want. By the time you finally get married, we’ll be lucky if we have any money left. Ha ha ha.” A few of my friends have done their weddings well. A tent on the family farm, an uncle cooking a spit roast, serve yourself beer and wine, drive home or pitch a tent – it’s your choice – and the oldies get a bed in the house. I wouldn’t even go that far. Yet most of my friends and family have gone completely out of control. You know that round-the-world trip you’ve always dreamt about? That home deposit? Those kids you wanted to have in the next five years? Forget all that. Instead, why not blow all that money on extended family you rarely see, workmates you barely tolerate and friends you’ll hardly see again after the ceremony? Then there’s the preparation. People stressing for months about making everything perfect. It’s the weddings where things go wrong that are the most memorable. The band plays the wrong song for the bridal waltz, two family factions get into an ineffectual brawl, or the dessert never arrives. (Nobody ever eats dessert at a wedding so if you get out of paying for it, that’s actually a big win.) Next there’s all that thought and effort that goes into making your wedding special. From countless options you need to select the flowers, invitations, suits, dresses, your spouse, napkin rings and on and on. If you really want to make your wedding memorable, you need to get creative. Instead of formal, semi-formal or full-on formal, make it fancy dress. Everyone comes as their favourite cartoon character, something to do with the first letter of their name, or their own interpretation of a porn star robot from the future. Better yet, tie the knot while skydiving, in a shark tank, or while […]

A SCHOOLTEACHER friend of mine had a student named Kylie. In an effort to be original, the parents had spelt it Kyleigh. In an act of defiance, my friend made a point of spelling her name Kylie on the young girl’s report card. At the parent-teacher evening, the girl’s parents walked up to my friend, shoved the report card in his face and said, “Look here! It says Kylie. That’s not how you spell our daughter’s name.” He stared back at them and said, “I think you’ll find that it is.” Misspelling your child’s name does not make them original, special or destined for greatness. All they become destined for is a life full of correcting people who try to spell their name the accepted way. A person’s name is an arbitrary tag attached to them before anyone knows anything about them. Perhaps in order to pick more appropriate names, a person’s 21st birthday should be celebrated with a “name day”, where a name is bestowed based on what sort of person they are. It’d force people to lead a more productive childhood, for fear of ending up with a name like Idiot, Moron or Fabian. A “different” name does not make a person special or different. Those are qualities earned through hard work and dedication, and it makes no difference if that person is named Mary, Seven or Rysk. If you wish to invent a new name, there should be a board that adjudicates whether or not to put that name into the name dictionary. If it’s a “no” then you need to pick another name. If you refuse, one will be chosen for you. In Texas, a child was called “Messiah”. This went to court and the judge said “No. Your child is now called Martin. (Slams down gavel.) Done. Next.” There should definitely be a lot more of this. Unfortunately, we live in a world where these are all the official names of actual humans: Lucifer, Anal, V8, #16 Bus Shelter, Chardonnay, Audio Science, Pilot Inspektor, Ahmiracle, Shady, Younique, Burger, Thin & Taco BM Monster. More popular […]

I FEEL terrible and I want to care, but when it comes to the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil, I just don’t. It’s the biggest sporting event in the world, billions worldwide will be watching, and it only happens every four years. I know all this. Still, I’d rather watch a replay of the Collingwood versus Carlton game from 1972. Don’t bother looking it up, that’s not a particularly special game. It’s not a final, and I don’t even like either of those teams. Other things I’d rather do include watching MasterChef after being told who’s won, selling child sponsorships on the street and watching a blank screen. Seriously. During a final of the 2010 World Cup, my television stopped working, and while staring at the blank screen and contemplating what pizza I was going order for home delivery, I realised I was enjoying myself more than watching the actual game. It’s not that I haven’t had a go. Last World Cup I actually set my alarm, woke up at stupid o’clock, went around to a friend’s house and tried to watch one of Australia’s games in a room full of rowdy and drunk soccer fans. I fell asleep. In 2006 my Dad and I watched most of the games. For seldom longer than five minutes, before changing the channel to reruns of M*A*S*H. So many people I know are so very excited about the World Cup, and I understand why. Every moment on the morning and nightly news, I’m being told that the whole world is very excited and it’s all very exciting. It seems that with soccer, all the excitement comes in the form of anticipation, and nobody seems that bothered about the actual games. Because they’re not at all exciting. Worst of all, I really want to be excited. I was picked on for years at high school, so I know what it feels like to be on the outer, but I just can’t stand it. Far less than not caring, I actively dislike soccer. I think it’s after so many round ball disappointments, I’ve developed […]

As a society, should be ignoring the plight of the poor? If so, then this budget is for you. If you don’t, you need to do everything you can to stop it going through. If you are poor, hit the panic button. If you can’t find a panic button to hit, since it’s just a throwaway expression with no real world application, then just plain panic should suffice. I don’t believe in throwing endless amounts of money at the needy, and I think working for the dole is a concept worth putting into action. As long as those involved still have time to search for work, why shouldn’t they be working for their benefits, the way the rest of us work for a wage? What I also believe is that every person in Australia deserves an opportunity to succeed, and it’s up to them whether or not they take it – the same as every person who goes to the football has the right to view a decent game. It’s just a pity that some of them get a cold pie, and support Richmond. I’m nowhere near as interested in politics as I am in football. Colin Sylvia has been picked to play for Fremantle this week, and that’s way more interesting to me than the government’s proposal to take welfare payments away from unemployed people under 30 for six months of each year. Some of those under 30 might be able to move home, or are already there. Others will have an extra incentive to find work, which might be the push that they need. But many won’t find a job, or have a place to stay, and without the benefits, they’ll be forced onto the street. These are the most vulnerable people in society. And here I was thinking that society was meant to look after its most vulnerable. American Politician Hubert Humphrey said, “The moral test of government is how it treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the aged; and those in the shadows of life, […]

SHOULD university be for smart people or rich people? If the changes proposed by the Federal Government as part of the 2014 Budget go through, that decision will have been made for all of us. It will only be rich people – just like wearing your collar up, grand final tickets with a decent view, any dog that’s crossed with a poodle, owning a property outright, drinking French champagne and dating Lara Bingle. Now I’m happy to let the wealthy pick up the poop of their hypo-allergenic dogs, wear salmon pink polo shirts with starched up collars and pretend to know the difference between cheap bubbly and expensive champagne. However, I’m not at all comfortable with the winners of the birth lottery getting increased access to higher education. The Government wants to cut the amount they give to universities, deregulate course costs and charge higher interest rates on student loans. Evidence, logic and even Clive Palmer are all screaming that this is a horrible idea. Liberals are claiming that prices may drop under this system. That’s rubbish. How do you cut funding to something and expect that same thing to be cheaper? If you go to the supermarket and pay less for bananas, you’re going to end up with fewer or poorer-quality bananas and I don’t want either of those things. I live on bananas, and beer. What will happen is that the more expensive courses will only be for those who can afford them. Admittance used to be based on merit, not on cash. So instead of having the most-intelligent young people studying the most-expensive courses, we’ll have the wealthiest. Which is terrifying. Who do you want building your bridges? The person who understands maths and complex design principles? Or the bloke in the salmon pink shirt? Or, in court, do you want a lawyer who scored top marks and knows the legal system back to front? Or one who goes to the top tailor and only knows the wine list back to front? Do you want the best surgeon, or the surgeon who has the best jewellery? Once upon […]

Who doesn’t love a day off? Not any Australians I know. Not going to work and being paid for it is as Australian as calling in sick to attend a sporting event, going to work when you actually are sick, and considering live streaming sport at work a legitimate use of company resources. So I’m certainly not suggesting that we get rid of the Queen’s Birthday Holiday. We should even keep the name. Although nobody I know sends the Queen a present, sings her a song, or does the least possible thing you can do for any person’s birthday – write on their Facebook wall. I’m not sure if the Queen is even on Facebook, so perhaps somebody in England could do me a solid and write the Queen a birthday message from me on her actual wall? Something along the lines of: “To start a riot – simply remove this wall” “Free – take one or many” “Happy Birthday Lizzie the Lizard” “Operates better after head removed” “Nobody should ever give a convict spray paint” The Queen is as relevant to modern day Australia as forgotten colloquialisms like “You Beauty”, “Strewth” and “Bert Newton”. Still, we love a holiday and we should keep the name. All we need to do in order to update this holiday for our contemporary times is to remove the apostrophe. Thus the “Queen’s Birthday” becomes the “Queens Birthday” and the celebration of an outdated ruling class is instantly transformed into a day to push for gay rights and marriage equality. Instead of having a party for a Queen named Elizabeth, it’s a party for Queens with names such as: Tilly Screams, Pandora Boxx and Sarabelle Palsy. I’ll leave the ideas for what the parties should entail up to others, but no doubt they’ll be cracking. Instead of a weekend, we might need a whole week. Then in order to be balanced and not at all biased, another two holidays are immediately required. “Kings Day” for the lesbians, and for all other people of indeterminate gender, we should have “Camilla Day”. Recently Prince Phillip and a host […]

You know Game of Thrones, True Blood, The Walking Dead and all those similar and amazingly entertaining shows? They constantly remind us all what a poor imitation of real entertainment that reality TV really is, and always has been. Many of us in Australia download and watch those top quality shows using a file-sharing service, without any ad breaks, which then remind us what a bore it is to watch free to air or pay TV. Even recording and fast forwarding through the ads is a chore compared to the joy of a freshly downloaded episode of anything. Quick bonus question – why are there still adverts on Pay TV? I thought the ‘pay’ in ‘Pay TV’ meant you were paying for some sort of premium service. By making you pay for it and watch the adverts, it’s like you’re paying for it twice. So it makes sense to choose the option that doesn’t involve any adverts or paying at all. By using a file-sharing website and downloading yourself silly. The Pirate Bay is one the biggest in the world, and recently one of its founders, Peter Sunde, was arrested in southern Sweden after two years on the run. He’s off to jail for eight months, and also has to pay a fine in the millions. Which reminds us that downloading shows such as Game of Thrones, True Blood and The Walking Dead from file-sharing sites, as well as being extremely convenient, is also very illegal. Series Four, Episode One of Game of Thrones was actually downloaded illegally over one million times around the world, and Australia was at the top of the leaderboard with over 10% and 100,000 of them. These are approximates only, and several sources suggest that the real numbers could be much higher. Melbourne then had the world’s most computer pirates, with Athens second and Sydney third. So if you’re planning on visiting Melbourne, make sure to be on the lookout for anyone with a laptop, beard and an abundance of tattoos. They’re not pirates, they’re known as hipsters and are far more annoying than they […]

Justin Bieber told a racist joke five years ago. A video of this was recently made public, and it immediately went viral. Going viral around the same time was every other new video of Justin Bieber, vision of a cat attacking a dog, and the common cold. The story here is that a fifteen-year-old boy said a very poor taste joke. That young man is now five years older, and in contrast to the recent complete disdain he’s shown for the law, his fans and his neighbours, Bieber immediately and eloquently expressed his immense regret for reciting this joke. “I’m very sorry,” Bieber said in a statement. “I take all my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologise for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable behaviour.” Eddie McGuire could definitely learn a few things from Justin Bieber. Both McGuire and Bieber could actually put an effort where their words are, by backing up whatever claims they’ve made against racism by becoming anti-racism campaigners themselves. Without any such action, it all feels a lot like they’re just saying sorry, without acting or being sorry. Regardless, it’s extremely disappointing that a person so many admire said something so racist. I’m talking about Bieber here, and certainly not McGuire. What’s even more disappointing, however, is that so many people care so very much. In other news, there were far more interesting things happening at every level of society in every other place on earth that were ignored in order to cover this story. For example, on the morning that this story broke there was politics, wars and sport. In particular football. Also, I saw a cat fall off a coffee table. Unfortunately for the world, I wasn’t recording. Making me possibly the only person in the world who’s still able to see a cat in a precarious position and not grab a camera. Bieber’s a super, mega, whatever-star, with more twitter followers than grains of sand I’ve ever removed from my board shorts, who likely spends more on hair products in a day than I’ve earned […]

With the 2014 Budget, I want to know what’s going on, but I’m really struggling to get interested. All those big numbers flying around mean nothing to me. They’re talking millions and billions while I’m trying to scrounge together enough dollars and cents for a coffee and a banana. The only millions that interest me are the lotto jackpots, even though my chances of winning are lower than being eaten by a shark who’s wearing a sombrero and riding a jetski on a Tuesday, especially as I seldom buy a lotto ticket. Regardless of the minuscule odds, winning the lotto is still my best chance of ever having a million, unless I can actually train a shark to ride a jetski. Or teach the sharks to only eat people who ride jetskis. Now that’d stop the shark cull. So, I’ve had a brainwave that’ll make the 2014 budget far more understandable and interesting for us all. Let’s make it into a home improvement show. Australia is the house. Inside is a family and the Liberal government is the team sent to “make over” their lives. Now, most Australian families have a debt in the form of a mortgage that’s going to take decades to pay off. However, by simply applying the Liberal Government’s whizz bang shiny new household budget, they’re going to knock out that debt and make this family mortgage-free in just a few slightly painful years. Who wouldn’t be interested in that? Based on the actual budget numbers, here’s what might happen to that family. Defence spending is way up, so the house is going to be safe. Especially as it’s now surrounded by personalised electrified security fencing, land mines and a moat patrolled by the Australian Navy, whose sole mission is to keep out the neighbours. #stoptheneighbours Foreign aid is down, so that means no money for the shared fencing, and if the family is invited over for a barbecue, they certainly won’t be bringing a plate. #stoptheplates Public service jobs are being cut, there’s less money for local councils and getting sick is going to be a […]

Aussie kids are some of the fattest in the world. The ‘Active Healthy Kids Australia’ report card recently graded our kids a ‘D-’. Barely above a fail, and certainly nowhere near fridge-worthy. If there were some sort of United Nations run school camp, the Aussie children would be picked on for being fatty boombas. By the kids from New Zealand, England, Mozambique and Mexico. Who all rated near the top of the rankings. If anything is going to spurn Australian parents into action, it has to be that. Or fact that obese children are far more likely to turn into adults who suffer from the range of health and other consequences that go with being obese. Such as struggling to find fashionable clothes that fit, paying more for food and working up a sweat just from breathing. As long as junk food companies sponsor sporting events, chocolates are way more accessible than bananas and lollies keep tasting so damn good, completely wiping out childhood obesity is probably going to remain a fantasy. I’ll tell you what’s also a fantasy? The headline that went with this study when it first appeared. “Aussie kids among the fattest in the world.” The study included a total of 15 countries. Last time I checked a map, there are a few more than 15 countries in the whole world. Unless the Russians, Chinese, or some other superpower with not so secret dreams of world domination has been very busy overnight. Maybe the North Koreans have finally invaded everywhere and we’re just not aware of it yet? In a study of the world’s fattest leaders, surely theirs would have to be right up there. That’s one competition where we’d do alright. Our Prime Minister Tony Abbott and Minister for Women might currently have far more problems than daughters, but you certainly can’t accuse him of being fat. Despite needing to take a look at a map of the world that was produced after 1800, this study did remind us of some useful information. In particular, the recommendation that children get 60 minutes of exercise each day. It found that only 19 per […]