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Was Jesus the First Supermodel?

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The first supermodel in the history of ever.

There is compelling evidence that it was, in fact, Jesus. I’m completely flummoxed as to why nobody’s come up with this theory before. Or maybe they have, but I’ve never read about it, so let’s just pretend they haven’t and that I’m a genius.

Models often slim down before a photo shoot.

Jesus went and fasted for forty days and forty nights before his first big assignment. His crucifixion then went so well, that this image is still one of the most well known and frequently replicated in all of human history.

Maybe Jesus was even told, “This image is going to last centuries, so you’re going to have to look your best, and you’ve gotten a bit tubby. So off to the desert, and no food for forty days and forty nights.”

The “nights” clause was added in, perhaps because Jesus was a renowned sneaky eater.

Based on the rampaging success of this strategy around two thousand years ago, models have been employing variations on this theme ever since.

The crucifixion was the world’s first advertising campaign.

Back in the time of the J-man, Christianity wasn’t even a thing. So as part of what’s still the most successful product launch in all of time, Jesus went with a stunt that captured the attention of the globe.

So not only did Jesus invent modelling, but at the same time he also created advertising and Christianity.

Talk about product placement!

Jesus on the cross is probably the most recognised and reproduced image on the planet to this day. Quite an effort, as nobody back then had a camera, and each piece of paraphernalia had to be individually painted and crafted, as production lines and sweatshops weren’t a thing until centuries later either.

Oh and you know that white nappy thing he was wearing? That was supplied by one Mrs Mary Magdalene Klein. Making Jesus not only the first supermodel, but the first Calvin Klein underwear model as well.

Which all led to the largest ongoing advertising campaign in all of forever.

To this day, these places called ‘churches’ push the Jesus message out there on a weekly, and sometimes even daily basis. There are also rampantly successful holidays celebrated in nearly every country on an annual basis that refresh and remind us all about Christianity.

You thought Daffodil Day, Remembrance Day, Halloween and International Talk Like a Pirate Day were popular? They’re still nothing compared to Christmas and Easter.

The best advertising is free.

Similar to the big clothing brands, which cover wearers in logos, charge huge prices for it and call it “fashion”, the image of the cross is worn around the neck of devotees everywhere, all at no cost for that prime advertising space. The wearers almost always actually pay for the privilege.

Making it not only the most ubiquitous branding exercise of all time, but also among the most cost effective.

Don’t forget the message.

During his time on the promotion circuit Jesus pushed a message of compassion, love for everyone including annoying neighbours, and turning the other cheek.

These days though, although Easter and Christmas are both still outrageously popular, one has become about presents, and the other about chocolate presents.

Easter was derailed a little bit by the chocolate thingo. Perhaps, after forty days in the desert, Jesus was looking tops, but was starving so a little delirious. What he thought was a chocolate egg delivered by a bunny, was actually an egg-shaped substance that bunnies naturally produce from their rear ends, but he was so hungry and out of it that he couldn’t tell the difference.

So maybe, the chocolate really represents poo.

Just a thought.

Either way it has very little to do with that original message from Jesus. Which was about being nice to everyone and forgiving them all, even those who dress you in a nappy and nail you to a cross.

 

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

This article first appeared on The Curio

http://www.thecurio.org/was-jesus-the-first-supermodel/

 

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I sneezed one complete hot chip out of my nose

Chip Sneeze Image

You know that feeling you get when you’re about to sneeze?

Well I got it. While I had a hot chip in my mouth. While sharing a bowl of them, with a friend at a pub.

So I had to decide. Spit it out, or try to beat the sneeze with a quick swallow.

I went the swallow, because what’s the worst that could happen?

Then the worst happened.

The chip made it to the base of my throat. Then I sneezed and the chip flew up my throat, through my sinuses, and forced its way out of my nose.

This was no shoestring french fry either. It was so big and long it was basically a potato wedge.

And it came out of my face completely intact.

Then landed beside the bowl of hot chips, but my sneeze did cover the chips in a fine film of snot spray.

So what to do with the remaining chips?

In a previous and more naked situation, I’d decided never again to ingest any of my already expelled bodily fluids.

However, those chips had been barely touched by that snotty mist.

And I was hungry.

And I didn’t want to pay for another bowl of chips.

So I ate ‘em.

My friend saw the whole thing, was justifiably disgusted and when I refused to buy more chips he left.

Leaving me with the whole bowl to myself.

Which had been my plan all along.

I won’t be trying this trick again though.

It happened three weeks ago, and my nose still hurts so much that all I can fit through it at the moment are skittles.

 

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

This short story first appeared on Bytestories:

http://www.bytestories.com/story/8a33a73/i-sneezed-one-complete-hot-chip-out-of-my-nos

 

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What better time to trade your chocolate eggs for strawberries and have a happy and healthy Easter

Easter Strawberries_1

SO IT is coming up to the Easter break and this year hot cross buns seemed to arrive on January 1, which is more outrageous than whatever happened on My Kitchen Rules, MasterChef, The Block and Game of Thrones combined.

Honestly, the only way I would watch reality TV would be if it were combined with GOT. It might be fictional but it is one TV show that knows how to hold a proper elimination.

Immediately following Easter Sunday is my favourite part of this holiday: half-price Easter eggs until the good ones are gone. It is quickly followed by half-price white, carob and weird chocolate month, as that stuff never sells. Why keep making it? I don’t know but, then again, I don’t own a chocolate company.

Personally, I have not always been lucky enough to celebrate Easter with chocolate. As a child I was a human Teletubby, with cute little man b-cups and a face that lit up like a red traffic light every time I exerted myself. Which was often sprinting to the milk bar whenever I had enough change for another Twix.

Once I ate 11 Twix in a day. These days I am OK with the sight of a Twix but take one out of its packaging and put it under my nose and I will start to gag.

As a child, owing to my size and my parents’ desire not to have a boy who shared heart medication with his grandparents, I was never taken on an Easter egg hunt.

Instead, every Easter, my parents took my sister and I to a strawberry farm, where we were told the Easter bunny had hidden strawberries. In strawberry plants.

I don’t know if it’s luck or brainwashing but I now like strawberries better than chocolate.

More Easter strawberries. They're nearly as good as the ones not covered in chocolate. Or so I was told.

More Easter strawberries. They’re nearly as good as the ones not covered in chocolate. Or so I was told.

I still feel sorry for my sister. She was nowhere near as wide as she was tall, like me, but had to suffer through this yearly fruit diversion because fatty here couldn’t be trusted.

By the way, we’re going through a bumper strawberry season at the moment and they’re especially cheap right now. At Easter time. Proving, without a doubt, that there is a God.

Which is a reminder that Easter itself leaves us all in a slightly awkward position, as it’s technically the most holy of religious holidays on the Christian calendar. The content is quite morbid if you look into it but we celebrate all that by going on holiday.

So should we feel bad for keeping the name, taking the days off and making it all about the chocolate? Well, whichever way you turn it around, holidays are often about sacrifice, or eggs.

Sometimes they’re about making sacrifices for family, as my sister made for me, and, according to the Christians, a carpenter made for everyone.

Other times they’re about laying in bed and doing absolutely nothing, such as a chicken sitting on an egg.

Looking back further, Easter has its origins in a pagan festival celebrating the birth of spring, which explains the eggs. The reason they’re delivered by a rabbit, however, has everyone flummoxed. Perhaps on that first Easter, the costume shop was out of chicken suits.

This is not me, but I was this fat, and my hair was worse.

This is not me, but I was this fat, and my hair was worse.

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/opinion/what-better-time-to-trade-your-chocolate-eggs-for-strawberries-and-have-a-happy-and-healthy-easter/story-fnihsr9v-1227283553511

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Signup to receive future amazing well worth your time pieces of awesome here:

http://eepurl.com/-Do09

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

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Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

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Email me if you dare: me@xaviertoby.com

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Pets need time and care and so aren’t for everyone

funny-pug-horse-riding

WHAT is the point of owning a pet?

A long-time friend named Matt and his girlfriend Miranda got a pug. Too small to be a real dog, barks at its shadow, only eats fresh meat, still isn’t toilet trained and looks like a rat whose face has been hit with a sledgehammer.

Last year, they didn’t take a holiday.

“We’d never put him in a kennel and tried leaving him with my Mum but we didn’t even make it out the door before little Petey shat on the carpet and
bit her.”

That’s right, Petey the pug.

Last Christmas they sent out cards featuring Petey and themselves in matching putrid sweaters. I’m serious. It was actually pretty funny.

They don’t come out any more either. This is because: “Petey gets so anxious if we stay out late. It’s so bad, he needs to sleep on our bed.”

Apparently their physical relationship hasn’t changed. I wonder if the dog watches or sleeps through it.

Next they moved to the outer ’burbs, filled a house with catalogue furniture and got a four-wheel-drive.

“Finding a place to rent with Petey was just too hard, and he needs a big backyard. We can’t take him to the park either because he doesn’t mix well with other dogs, and we don’t want him to
get sick. He hasn’t been vaccinated.”

Apparently they had less faith in dog vaccinations than people vaccinations, despite overwhelming evidence that supports the effectiveness of both.

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“We can’t go out, but you’re more than welcome to come over here,” Matt told me.

So I tried visiting. Every attempted conversation was stopped by Petey’s piercing yelps, and them screaming “Shut up Petey!”, except when it was sleeping and expelling toxic plumes.

They’d tried dog school and barking training, but with no success.

Every conversation they did manage was all about Petey. I’d rather hear stories about someone’s children and I can’t stand those either. I haven’t seen Matt or Miranda since.

Some pets I don’t mind. I grew up with german shepherds and they were even-tempered and low maintenance. A couple of walks a day, much more effective than a doorbell and never bit anyone. Basically the anti-pug.

Still, I could never commit to a pet. There’s just so much stuff I’d rather be doing that I struggle to fit in at the moment – and I don’t have a dog, child, girlfriend or a real job.

Pets are supposed to be great for our mental health, but I don’t get it. I’m stressed out by the weekly body washing, monthly clothes cleaning and daily can-opening that’s involved in keeping myself alive, let alone caring for another living thing. I’m hesitant to have children for similar reasons.

Perhaps pets are useful for extroverts who just need someone to talk at and not with, after their friends have all deserted them.

pug defects

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/opinion/opinion-pets-need-time-and-care-and-so-arent-for-everyone/story-fnihsr9v-1227273510642

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Signup to receive future amazing well worth your time pieces of awesome here:

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Backburner relationships: What’s the deal?!

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You meet someone, there’s a spark, and you swap numbers. Maybe you go on a few dates, but that spark never catches fire, and it doesn’t progress.

That spark, however, never completely flickers out. So whenever you’re single, you check in with them. You know, just to see what’s up. That’s a ‘backburner’ relationship.

And they’re multiplying to epidemic levels.

Without the interweb and Facebook and Insta connections, people would drift out of our lives so much more easily. Now, we’re putting more and more people on the backburner because it feels nice to have options and regular romantic attention.

All sounds reasonably innocent until you’re in a relationship and having problems, and revisiting the backburners. Because looking for emotional needs or attention outside your relationship is never good… In fact, it’s kinda cheating.

And problems can REALLY arise with backburners  when you know this isn’t the right person for you but you’re feeling a bit neglected and what’s the harm in saying hi ya know?

Really, you’re keeping this person around because getting any attention is way better than none.

Maybe if this is a person that you’re attracted to and the feeling is mutual, but the timing isn’t right, there’s good reason for a backburner. Keeping in touch until you’re both ready to have a crack at it, which makes sense.

Unfortunately, in my experience, most backburners are like scabs you continually pick at, keeping the wound open instead of letting it heal and disappear. Also, why would you want to keep a scab around? They look gross.

Love hurts. And hey, a scar is much better than a scab.

Also, if you really liked this person that you’ve got on the backburner, why aren’t you having a crack at it?

If you are interested, and there’s no reason apart from your own fear, then give it a go. Why not?

If you’re stringing the person along for that self-esteem boost that comes with romantic attention, then it’s time to let the person go.

Take it from me when I say, the majority of backburners end with people getting burnt.

OohBurn

This article was first published by Cleo:

http://www.cleo.com.au/bachelors/news/2015/3/what-is-the-deal-with-backburner-relationships/

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Signup to receive future amazing well worth your time pieces of awesome here:

http://eepurl.com/-Do09

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby

Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business

Email me if you dare: me@xaviertoby.com

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