Xavier Toby

This article first appeared in the Huffington Post

It started when we followed you on Twitter, because why not? We follow Big Ben, the fake Donald Trump and most named weather events, so why not the online version of a grabby, racist uncle?

Casual as a comb-over, you glided down an escalator and gave us a grammatically lobotomized rant about Mexican drug dealing rapists and walls, and nominated yourself to be the next President of the United States. And we fell for you, harder and faster than Obama drops bombs from drones.

You couldn’t stop jabbering and we couldn’t stop listening. Then whenever you paused, so did we, breathless and waiting for your next mentally vacant, factually devoid brain fart.

Read More

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

All my life I’ve battled with my weight, and have tried more diets than I’ve had hot dinners. Actually, that’s not true, as hot dinners are a huge part of the problem.

The diets never work, because for me, eating salads is like cleaning the toilet. A disgusting chore. And I truly revel in masticating. Which explains why my wardrobe is packed with so many sizes of jeans, it looks like a discount rack at an op shop.

Read More

Those bright little assaults on our senses that claim they’re no louder than the show we’re watching, but clearly are louder.

Read More

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun on Tuesday, April 18

Is there anything less like actual surfing, than surfing the internet?

Messing around on the internet is nothing like paddling hard, then the euphoria of carving along a completely natural wall of water.

If you don’t believe me, compare any competitor at the recent Rip Curl Pro, which happened at the real Bells Beach not the ‘Point Break’ one, to anyone who surfs the internet for a living. It’s like comparing granite to sludge, or a current AFL player, to a retired AFL player.

But if we continue to call scrolling through online nonsense for countless wasted hours ‘surfing’, then what can’t be called surfing?

Read More

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

LAST week, my flight was delayed because of air traffic, which I’ve never understood. One of the reasons I fly is to avoid traffic and there seems to be more space in the sky than on the ground.

Rushing to the departure gate for my connection, I arrived 10 minutes before departure and saw the plane was still connected to the airbridge.

Blocking my path were two flight attendants, a female buried under several inches of make-up, and a collection of gel and teeth which I think was male. They smugly informed me the flight was closed.

Read More

Daniel Wells starring for Collingwood in the VFL – with each kick worth at least $50k.

This article first appeared on The Roar

Hey Collingwood supporters, most other football supporters, and anyone who reads from the rear of the newspaper.

You have to back off me and the rest of Daniel, Danny, Dan the big money making man. Or as I know him, Norm, because if you remember the old TV ads, ‘Life Be in It’.

Norm, he does train hard. Enough. You tell me another high school educated 32 year-old on $600,000 a year, for three years, who wears a tracksuit to work and didn’t invent some social media app that I’ll never understand or use, because I’m his calf muscle. The injured one.

You may wonder why I’m speaking out, but, you know, why not? It’s not like I’ve got much on, apart from training every Tuesday at 1pm for half an hour.

Read More