Posted on October 15, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Birthdays are the worst

Hate Birthdays

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun

Ever since I turned twenty-one, each of mine has been a reminder that I’m nearer to the end but further from my dreams. I’ve just turned a year from forty, and finally given up on my dream of becoming a professional football playing astronaut firefighter.

These years, they also involve being reminded of my significant regrets, which are only going to increase as I age. The book contract I lost because I was working a ‘real job’, all the times I stayed out too late to prove I’m a ‘real man’, the pivotal comedy performances I messed up because I really like drinking.

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Posted on October 12, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Weinstein’s Woeful Wiener

Mr Mean

This article first appeared on The Big Smoke

With this whole Harvey Weinstein outrage, how did he get away with it for so long? Now it’s out he’s quickly been fired and rightly so, but according to the reports, he was at it for thirty years. I’ve barely been alive thirty years, have basically zero profile, and if I scraped the wrong car in the car park I’d struggle to ever book another gig.

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Posted on September 29, 2017 by Xavier Toby

The Misinformation Super Slow Way

Good Luck Sign

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

If you want the truth, don’t ask the internet…

Remember how the internet used to be called, “The information superhighway”?

Nobody says that anymore.

It was supposed to be the greatest minds and ideas in all of human history, right there and available at the tap of a few keys.

All that is there, but buried under so many half-truths, nonsense, and debunked theories, it’s harder to find than a protein bar that’s not packed with sugar and carbs, a convenient parking space, or someone under fifty who watches free to air TV.

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Posted on September 5, 2017 by Xavier Toby

The Atari 2600 is the pinnacle of electronic gaming

Atari 2600

This article first appeared in the Herald Sun on Monday, September 4

Each time my computer or phone stops due to some conflict, glitch, lack of software, or to perform a required update, I’m reminded of the perfection of my most prized electronic possession. That pinnacle of all things computer and game – the Atari 2600.

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Posted on July 28, 2017 by Xavier Toby

Public selfies should be illegal, like other acts of self-love

1-self fish

This article first appeared in the Brisbane Courier Mail

IS “the selfie” the worst thing to happen to humanity in the last hundred years?

If you forget parking meters, pop music and war – which is simple for most as our attention spans have shrunk to the size of sesame seeds – then the selfie is the runaway number one.

Something you didn’t see 10 years ago – like traffic jams outside primary schools, anyone lining up to buy an iPhone or our national flag being a symbol for racism – was anyone taking snaps of themselves.

Not because they’re on holiday, just had a haircut, or checking for things between their teeth, but just because. Simply to marvel at their own beauty then indulge in a little footpath preening, as if they’re an exotic bird preparing for mating season. Followed by the arbitrary posting to social media, since they’re so lacking in internal fortitude, they can’t last another second without a virtual thumbs up from a handful of acquaintances.

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