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One poor attempt to make sense of the Lima Climate Change Conference

After two weeks of talks, and another two bonus days of extra time talks, because the original talks ended in a tie or something, there was still nothing decided at the Lima Climate Change Conference. It was never going to achieve anything but still, what a waste of everyone’s time. Maybe we needed a penalty shootout of climate talks? Where the developing nations get to kick soccer balls at the heads of the rich nations. It’d make a great YouTube video, and make everyone feel a little better. The poorer nations will get to work out their frustrations with some exercise, and the richer nations will get the punishment they know they deserve. You know, in the same way that some politicians and judges like to be spanked by hookers. There were 194 countries represented at these talks. Apart from some large hotel bills, many sore heads, lots of good times, and lots and lots of paper with stuff on it that sounded meaningful but wasn’t, did anything at all happen? Not really. The most important thing to come out of these talks was a framework, or a commitment, or a something. To maybe agree to possibly do something related to addressing the issue of climate change at some stage. As long as nobody is too put out or has anything else on please hold that elevator and pass the sugar what a nice jacket and scarf thank you so much this has truly been a delight. According to the European Union, when everyone meets in Paris in 2015, there are now high hopes that a global climate deal will get done. Meaning the Lima Climate Conference was the most expensive example ever of a meeting where all that was decided is that there’ll be another meeting. Where everyone might talk about it then. In case you were wondering here’s what was actually decided at the Lima Conference: 1) An “ambitious agreement” in 2015 that reflects “differentiated responsibilities and respective capabilities” of each nation. Translation: We all agree to disagree, for now. Until next year, when we all agree that […]

After two weeks of talks, and another two bonus days of extra time talks, because the original talks ended in a tie or something, there was still nothing decided at the Lima Climate Change Conference.

It was never going to achieve anything but still, what a waste of everyone’s time.

Maybe we needed a penalty shootout of climate talks? Where the developing nations get to kick soccer balls at the heads of the rich nations. It’d make a great YouTube video, and make everyone feel a little better.

The poorer nations will get to work out their frustrations with some exercise, and the richer nations will get the punishment they know they deserve. You know, in the same way that some politicians and judges like to be spanked by hookers.

There were 194 countries represented at these talks. Apart from some large hotel bills, many sore heads, lots of good times, and lots and lots of paper with stuff on it that sounded meaningful but wasn’t, did anything at all happen?

Not really.

The most important thing to come out of these talks was a framework, or a commitment, or a something.

To maybe agree to possibly do something related to addressing the issue of climate change at some stage.

As long as nobody is too put out or has anything else on please hold that elevator and pass the sugar what a nice jacket and scarf thank you so much this has truly been a delight.

According to the European Union, when everyone meets in Paris in 2015, there are now high hopes that a global climate deal will get done.

Meaning the Lima Climate Conference was the most expensive example ever of a meeting where all that was decided is that there’ll be another meeting. Where everyone might talk about it then.

Lima Image 2

There was a candlelit vigil held outside the talks. Hoping and praying for action on climate change. Well I can’t read Spanish, so those signs could be saying ‘Hey rich people – thanks for ruining the planet you a-holes’. Also a valid statement.

In case you were wondering here’s what was actually decided at the Lima Conference:

1) An “ambitious agreement” in 2015 that reflects “differentiated responsibilities and respective capabilities” of each nation.

Translation: We all agree to disagree, for now. Until next year, when we all agree that we will again sit down and try to reach an agreement.

2) Developed countries to provide financial support to “vulnerable” developing nations.

Translation: You’ve got more money than us. Give us some. Please. No rush, and no pressure. Here’s a free t-shirt. I hope you like it.

3) National pledges to be submitted by the first quarter of 2015 by those states “ready to do so”.

Translation: If you want to maybe, perhaps do something about climate change you should. If you want. If you don’t, that’s cool too.

4) Countries to set targets that go beyond their “current undertaking”.

Translation: All 194 countries have agreed to put more in their recycling bins, and to remember to actually put them out this time.

5) The UN climate change body to report back on the national pledges in November 2015

Translation: We will be checking your bins. If there’s no change, we’ll dob on you. Apart from that though, nothing will happen. Enjoy the buffet.

Lima Image 3

Some of the delegates. I don’t know why they’re happy or who they’re waving at. Maybe they’re saying goodbye to the planet they just helped to destroy?

The other thing to come out of this colossal waste of time was the absolutely horrendous language being thrown around by all participants.

All reports from his conference carried sentiments along these lines: “None of the 194 countries attending the talks walked away with everything they wanted, but everybody got something.”

So we’ve got world leaders discussing the fate of our planet. By squabbling over the fine print, scrambling to get whatever they can, and arguing for the best possible deal.

These people have been entrusted by their respective countries to come together and tackle the biggest single problem we’ve ever faced as a society.

With their biggest concern being: “What’s in it for me?”

The only reason I don’t completely tune out of this debate is that I have some remaining optimism for the human race, and can’t afford or be bothered setting up an emergency bunker.

Really though, we all know where this is headed.

Scientists will continue to say that the situation is now critical, and only getting worse.

Climate driven catastrophes will continue to happen at an increased frequency, most affecting the poorest people on the planet.

Politicians and other assorted leaders will continue to get next to nothing done, by attacking this issue at an imperceptibly slow pace. Exactly like a banker who promises to steal one less dollar a day, while continuing to screw us all out of billions.

In the very near future, there will then be an environmental catastrophe. Everyone will scream, ‘I told you so’, and complain that we should’ve started taking drastic action ages ago.

Ages ago, like right now.

 

This article first appeared in The Curio:

http://www.thecurio.org/one-poor-attempt-make-sense-lima-climate-change-conference/

 

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby

Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business

For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: me@xaviertoby.com


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Think before you click this Xmas. Max out your credit cards. Declare bankruptcy. Job done!

Spend big this Xmas, seeing as the Australian economy’s a mess… Then if you’re online shopping, try and use your common sense. Or don’t. It’s probably more fun if you don’t. “Online shoppers beware!” “Think before you click!” screams news.com.au! According to this piece of clickbait, because let’s face it, that’s what it is, we should be wary when online shopping this Xmas. Beware of the delivery dates, as the thing you ordered before Xmas might arrive after Xmas. Not a bad tip. If you’re buying stuff from overseas, it might be difficult or impossible to return. My girlfriend recently bought a pair of boots online that didn’t fit. I said, “Why did you do that? Didn’t you suspect they wouldn’t fit?” She said, “They were on sale.” I said, “It doesn’t matter how cheap something is. If it doesn’t fit, it’s worthless.” She said, “You’ve got two options. Either shut up, or you’re buying me new boots.” I said nothing. She said, “If check shirts become solely available online, what would you do?” Again, I said nothing. She said, “Good job.” The other advice when online shopping is to check out the exchange rate, weigh up the different options, watch out for delivery costs and think before you click. You know, common sense stuff. Or mistakes you make once, and then only repeat after enough time has passed, and you forget about the original mistake. Which for me, is weekly. Apparently Australians will spend about $4.6 billion online shopping in the thirty days leading up to Xmas, which is about 15 percent of the total spend estimated to be $32.6 billion. That’s an obscene amount of money. There are 23 million people in Australia. So if the total spend is $32.6 billion, that works out to us spending around $1400 each this Xmas. Actually $1400 over thirty days – that’s not all that much. I mean, that’s around how much I spend in thirty days without Xmas, as well as in the lead-up to Xmas, since I get all my gifts from the Reject Shop. Who wants a cheap apron? Barbecue utensils […]

Spend big this Xmas, seeing as the Australian economy’s a mess… Then if you’re online shopping, try and use your common sense. Or don’t. It’s probably more fun if you don’t.

“Online shoppers beware!”

“Think before you click!” screams news.com.au!

According to this piece of clickbait, because let’s face it, that’s what it is, we should be wary when online shopping this Xmas.

Beware of the delivery dates, as the thing you ordered before Xmas might arrive after Xmas. Not a bad tip.

If you’re buying stuff from overseas, it might be difficult or impossible to return. My girlfriend recently bought a pair of boots online that didn’t fit.

I said, “Why did you do that? Didn’t you suspect they wouldn’t fit?”

She said, “They were on sale.”

I said, “It doesn’t matter how cheap something is. If it doesn’t fit, it’s worthless.”

She said, “You’ve got two options. Either shut up, or you’re buying me new boots.”

I said nothing.

She said, “If check shirts become solely available online, what would you do?”

Again, I said nothing.

She said, “Good job.”

The other advice when online shopping is to check out the exchange rate, weigh up the different options, watch out for delivery costs and think before you click.

You know, common sense stuff. Or mistakes you make once, and then only repeat after enough time has passed, and you forget about the original mistake. Which for me, is weekly.

Apparently Australians will spend about $4.6 billion online shopping in the thirty days leading up to Xmas, which is about 15 percent of the total spend estimated to be $32.6 billion.

That’s an obscene amount of money. There are 23 million people in Australia. So if the total spend is $32.6 billion, that works out to us spending around $1400 each this Xmas.

Actually $1400 over thirty days – that’s not all that much. I mean, that’s around how much I spend in thirty days without Xmas, as well as in the lead-up to Xmas, since I get all my gifts from the Reject Shop.

Who wants a cheap apron? Barbecue utensils that melt when heated? Some chocolate that’s gone that weird light colour in patches?

I was going to suggest saving your money for a holiday or something, but Xmas is a holiday and money is for spending not saving.

Psychological studies have repeatedly proven that our money makes us happiest when we spend it on others. Our economy is on the way down, so it’s probably for the best that you spend up big.

Is it news?

Not really.

So ignore those articles and anything similar.

Read ones like this instead.

At least they include some analysis and jokes.

Oh and buy as much as you can this Xmas.

Go nuts.

Then come January, declare bankruptcy, claim your credit card was stolen, or rob a bank. Heck, they’ve been robbing us for years…

This article first appeared in The Big Smoke:

http://thebigsmoke.com.au/2014/12/15/christmas-shop-online-bankruptcy/

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby

Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business

For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: me@xaviertoby.com

0

Fairlife: Coca Cola now makes milk (insert scepticism here)

Coca Cola is launching “Fairlife” milk. It isn’t really milk, but it was once. Apparently. It’s going to cost more than milk. Maybe twice as much, but is also supposed to have heaps of additional health benefits. There are also significant health benefits with not drinking milk and doing exercise, but Coca Cola isn’t selling that. So I don’t know, buy it if you want. Coke is really bad for you. Coca Cola make that too. There was that guy who recently drank ten cans a day for a month, and he got fat, his teeth rotted, he nearly died and his dog ran away because he turned into a jerk. With cravings for sugar. Or something. This new “Coke Milk” is being billed as premium milk. With no lactose, 50% more protein and calcium than regular milk, as well as 30% less sugar. It’s made on a sustainable dairy farm with all sorts of other stuff, and some revolutionary processes. Anyway, here are the reasons why I’m never going to buy it, in no particular order… The original advertising campaign for Fairlife, which has since been pulled by Coca Cola, was extremely sexist. All the science about how and why Fairlife is good for you…was done by Coca Cola. Who once upon a time, used to advertise the health benefits of Coke. Basically, they are going to say what they think they can get away with, and the scientists they employ are always going to prove what they’re paying them to prove, regardless of the truth. Where are the independent studies on these revolutionary processes? Who is to say this stuff won’t end up poisoning you? Nobody they’re paying. Coca Cola is claiming this milk is all sustainable and healthy and whatever. It might be, but they’re not in the business of providing health products. They produce Coke. They’re in the business to making money, and that’s it. They don’t give a stuff about it being healthy. I prefer to get my milk from companies that want to make money, sure, but also have some morals. These companies are […]

Coca Cola is launching “Fairlife” milk.

It isn’t really milk, but it was once. Apparently.

It’s going to cost more than milk. Maybe twice as much, but is also supposed to have heaps of additional health benefits. There are also significant health benefits with not drinking milk and doing exercise, but Coca Cola isn’t selling that.

So I don’t know, buy it if you want.

Coke is really bad for you. Coca Cola make that too. There was that guy who recently drank ten cans a day for a month, and he got fat, his teeth rotted, he nearly died and his dog ran away because he turned into a jerk. With cravings for sugar. Or something.

This new “Coke Milk” is being billed as premium milk. With no lactose, 50% more protein and calcium than regular milk, as well as 30% less sugar.

It’s made on a sustainable dairy farm with all sorts of other stuff, and some revolutionary processes.

Anyway, here are the reasons why I’m never going to buy it, in no particular order…

The original advertising campaign for Fairlife, which has since been pulled by Coca Cola, was extremely sexist.

All the science about how and why Fairlife is good for you…was done by Coca Cola. Who once upon a time, used to advertise the health benefits of Coke. Basically, they are going to say what they think they can get away with, and the scientists they employ are always going to prove what they’re paying them to prove, regardless of the truth.

Where are the independent studies on these revolutionary processes? Who is to say this stuff won’t end up poisoning you?

Nobody they’re paying.

Coca Cola is claiming this milk is all sustainable and healthy and whatever. It might be, but they’re not in the business of providing health products. They produce Coke. They’re in the business to making money, and that’s it. They don’t give a stuff about it being healthy.

I prefer to get my milk from companies that want to make money, sure, but also have some morals. These companies are incredibly rare.

My final point is, cow milk is not designed for humans. It’s designed for cows. That’s why I don’t drink it. I only put human milk in my coffee. Which tastes weird and is problematic to come by. I’d like to drink soy milk, but have you ever tried to milk a soy bean? I can’t even find their nipples.

In summary, there’s nothing fair about Fairlife, but as my Dad repeatedly tells me, “Life’s not fair. Get over it.”

 

This article first appeared in The Big Smoke:

http://thebigsmoke.com.au/2014/12/11/fairlife-coca-cola-now-makes-milk-believeinbetter-apparently/

 

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby

Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business

For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: me@xaviertoby.com

0

Exclusive Pic Leonardo DiCaprio Leaving Miami Nightclub With 20 In Tow

Leonardo DiCaprio leaving a Miami Nightclub during Art Basel with twenty in tow. Unverified image, but it seems legit. So we have Leo with: 1) Log Lady – Leo’s keeping her sweet for some Twin Peaks action 2) Oprah – The big LD is writing a book, and wants in the club 3) Spider-Man – for radioactive glow in the dark good times. 4) Barack Obama – may as well party. Can’t get anything done at work 5) The CIA Interrogation Report – great for sex tips and contains no human rights abuses at all, says Fox News and nobody with a brain 6, 7 & 8) Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Grange – All three are magic in the sack 9) The Death Star- see Urban Dictionary definition. Or don’t 10) Krampus – Christmas is coming, and Leo has a hit-list he needs help with 11) Giant Octopus – Eight arms are much more fun than two 12) Ebola – Leo preparing for his next role where he plays Ebola. Best actor is in the bag 13) Bison – A protected species, having one of these along ensures that the paparazzi won’t shoot. 14) Corn – green with envy because it’s not Leo, and yellow because it’s happy to be there 15) Ozzy – Only person to party as hard as Leo. Ask Ozzy, he was there 16) Julia Roberts in a bikini – the iconic pretty woman 17 & 18) Two riot police – Just in case anyone is charged with anything, having them in attendance means nothing will ever get past a grand jury 19) He-Man – Only man on the planet as manly as Leo 20) Edward from Twilight – The prettiest woman of them all   This article first appeared on Buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/xavierft/exclusive-pic-leonardo-dicaprio-leaving-miami-nigh-116kb   Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby Buy my first book (read a bit for free): http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: me@xaviertoby.com Like this:Like Loading...

Leonardo DiCaprio leaving a Miami Nightclub during Art Basel with twenty in tow. Unverified image, but it seems legit.

So we have Leo with:

1) Log Lady – Leo’s keeping her sweet for some Twin Peaks action

2) Oprah – The big LD is writing a book, and wants in the club

3) Spider-Man – for radioactive glow in the dark good times.

4) Barack Obama – may as well party. Can’t get anything done at work

5) The CIA Interrogation Report – great for sex tips and contains no human rights abuses at all, says Fox News and nobody with a brain

6, 7 & 8) Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Grange – All three are magic in the sack

9) The Death Star- see Urban Dictionary definition. Or don’t

10) Krampus – Christmas is coming, and Leo has a hit-list he needs help with

11) Giant Octopus – Eight arms are much more fun than two

12) Ebola – Leo preparing for his next role where he plays Ebola. Best actor is in the bag

13) Bison – A protected species, having one of these along ensures that the paparazzi won’t shoot.

14) Corn – green with envy because it’s not Leo, and yellow because it’s happy to be there

15) Ozzy – Only person to party as hard as Leo. Ask Ozzy, he was there

16) Julia Roberts in a bikini – the iconic pretty woman

17 & 18) Two riot police – Just in case anyone is charged with anything, having them in attendance means nothing will ever get past a grand jury

19) He-Man – Only man on the planet as manly as Leo

20) Edward from Twilight – The prettiest woman of them all

 

This article first appeared on Buzzfeed:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/xavierft/exclusive-pic-leonardo-dicaprio-leaving-miami-nigh-116kb

 

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby

Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business

For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: me@xaviertoby.com

0

Enough with the Schoolies Porn!

Every year students finish high school and there are big parties. It’s gotten so big for a few years now there’s even been a name for it – schoolies week. Any older people who tag along and usually happen to be men also have a name – Toolies. Every year, more and more of the media follow around the schoolies looking for outrageous behaviour. Big surprise – they always find it. Put any group under a massive amount of stress, then give them some cash and a holiday, and it’s obvious what’s going to happen. Some are also go a bit more crazy than others. However, with all this reporting of scantily clad nubile debauchery what is the media really hoping to achieve? If the point is to put a stop to it, that’s never going to happen. Not while all the schoolies destinations are making money out of it, and the schoolies themselves are not causing too much trouble. Even if schoolies on the Gold Coast were banned, it’d just move to a different location, and similar sorts of partying is happening all the time, just without as much attention. For example, take every Friday and Saturday night in Australia. And nightclubs. And music festivals. And house parties. During my schoolies week, my friends and I avoided the big parties and went surfing. We celebrated our schoolies week over the following years at a place called university. Where it’s schoolies every night of the year. One of the main headlines screamed by the schoolies coverage is ‘parents beware’. Maybe the current affairs programs and newspapers are so obsessed with schoolies because they hope that by raising awareness, the parents themselves will stop their children from being involved. Despite or maybe because of all the attention these events get, however, they only seem to be getting more popular. All this current in-depth focus purports to show us, ‘what really happens at schoolies week’. Exposing and uncovering what goes on, and to me it feels like a dirty old man with a video camera chasing around barely legal girls. What’s currently […]

Every year students finish high school and there are big parties.

It’s gotten so big for a few years now there’s even been a name for it – schoolies week.

Any older people who tag along and usually happen to be men also have a name – Toolies.

Every year, more and more of the media follow around the schoolies looking for outrageous behaviour. Big surprise – they always find it.

Put any group under a massive amount of stress, then give them some cash and a holiday, and it’s obvious what’s going to happen. Some are also go a bit more crazy than others.

However, with all this reporting of scantily clad nubile debauchery what is the media really hoping to achieve?

If the point is to put a stop to it, that’s never going to happen.

Not while all the schoolies destinations are making money out of it, and the schoolies themselves are not causing too much trouble.

Even if schoolies on the Gold Coast were banned, it’d just move to a different location, and similar sorts of partying is happening all the time, just without as much attention.

For example, take every Friday and Saturday night in Australia. And nightclubs. And music festivals. And house parties.

During my schoolies week, my friends and I avoided the big parties and went surfing.

We celebrated our schoolies week over the following years at a place called university.

Where it’s schoolies every night of the year. One of the main headlines screamed by the schoolies coverage is ‘parents beware’.

Maybe the current affairs programs and newspapers are so obsessed with schoolies because they hope that by raising awareness, the parents themselves will stop their children from being involved.

Despite or maybe because of all the attention these events get, however, they only seem to be getting more popular.

All this current in-depth focus purports to show us, ‘what really happens at schoolies week’.

Exposing and uncovering what goes on, and to me it feels like a dirty old man with a video camera chasing around barely legal girls.

What’s currently being reported during schoolies week for the most part is disgusting and if you’re looking at it, sharing it, ogling it, you’re staring at just graduated children without their proper consent – you’re a true pig.

I find women attractive, and I like looking at attractive women.

What I try to avoid is looking that makes anyone uncomfortable, otherwise known as overt perving.

What I’m really not into is perving through my television at very young, and probably intoxicated women whose decision-making faculties are impaired, and not properly developed.

Parents probably have their suspicions of what happens at schoolies week.

Really though, do they need to see it when there’s so little they can do to stop it?

When I started uni, I was involved in a few questionable situations and I wish I’d had a better idea of how to react.

I learnt quickly, and luckily avoided anything I now regret.

Thanks to my parents I’ve always had a high level of respect for women, but more information especially during my final years of school would’ve been more than welcome.

If anybody was actually interested in promoting responsible behaviour at schoolies week, there would be talks at the schools months in advance about how to behave, what to be wary of, and how to deal with the range of difficult situations that may arise when mixing inexperience, drugs and alcohol.

I’m sure such programs already exist, and I know that there are groups that attend schoolies events in order to help keep people safe.

So here’s an idea.

Let’s go back to the general reports featuring numbers, and a few smiling faces, and mentioning of the odd criminal activity, and the joke stories where kids get cautions for selling contraceptive pills as ecstasy, and then that’s it.

Where is all this schoolgirl media porn going to stop?

Is the next step camera crews heading out every weekend, to catch the hottest girls they can doing the craziest things they’re willing for the camera?

All in order to ‘expose’ the debauchery of youth culture? Instead get a lap dance, watch a porno, or maybe even start lusting after your partner.

Just don’t get your jollies from the news, while pretending that there’s anything actually newsworthy about it.

 

This article first appeared in The Curio:

http://www.thecurio.org/enough-schoolies-porn/

 

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian

Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby

Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby

Buy my first book (read a bit for free):

http://uwap.uwa.edu.au/products/mining-my-own-business

For speaking engagements, comedy performances, writing assignments and all other enquires: me@xaviertoby.com

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